Written September 24th

 

 Much has transpired over the last several days, but I think it very important to relay everything in the sequence Greg and I received it.

As you can imagine we have been just desperate in spirit.  We have just hurt to our core.  My eye lids have been swollen for days and I have wrestled with my mind trying desperately to stay present; to enjoy the time that we have together.  To keep things normal and happy for the kids and I have tried, but miserably failed to be strong for Greg.  Almost like the need to breathe my mind has continually chewed on one line of a song.  All I have been able to do is cling to that one line.   I actually have a great memory so I allowed myself to get a little distraught over not remembering the rest of the song, but still I just repeated this line over and over all day and night.  “Be still there is a healer.”  It was a command to me even more than an encouragement.  I needed to be present for Greg, I had to be here for the kids, and I had to keep it together.  This Sunday Greg cried as he told me and our friend Christi the one thing that was in his head that wouldn’t let go.  It was a song also, but this one tore him to his core and he sobbed. His was by Steven Curtis Chapman and it is called “Cinderella.”   I am going to put the lyrics to both of those songs at the end of this, but please you tube them because they are powerful. 

I believe it was Friday and I was very much struggling with the “be still” part.  I needed to do something I was going crazy.  Should I start packing things for the move back to Iowa?  Should I call and beg for my job back.  When should I start selling…well everything that we owned? It was truly a struggle moment to moment trying to keep my head above the water line.  Finally, again I think it was Friday while I was waiting for Everett to get out of class when I decided I had to do something.  Greg and I had talked the night before about him needing to talk to someone and if it wasn’t me that was fine, just to find someone to talk to.  He had said the last thing that he wanted was to have anybody cry or start panicking or decide to come over to stay.  But he thought that it would be nice to be able to just say what had happened out loud and to have the other person just hear him and maybe even give him a little advice.  I can’t remember which one of us came up with this name first, but we both agreed that she would be the one to talk to.  There is a Doctor in Iowa that both Greg and I have grown to really respect and well, love really.   (Some of you might guess who it is, but I will not name her not knowing if she would be okay with it.)  We ended it that night with yes, that would be the person he would like to talk to, but how, we not only didn’t have her number, but really had no way of getting it.

So Friday while sitting in my car waiting for Everett to get out of school, I was so anxious that I could have clawed out of my own skin.  I finally decided that I would contact an old coworker, a woman that I have come to consider a friend.  (Again out of consideration for this friend I will also not name her.)  I had meant to be very brave on the phone, but after the initial hello, I am pretty sure I started to sob.   I hadn’t really meant to tell her everything, but I think like Greg I needed to say it out loud.  (I need to say thank you to her right now.  Thank you again for taking my call and being so wonderful during this time.)  I actually can’t remember all of the particulars of that conversation except that I asked her to “please get the Doctors contact information for me.”   It took just a moment for her to call back with the Doctors hospital pager number.  My friend didn’t know if the Doctor was working or not, or even if she would respond to phone number she didn’t know, but that was all that she was able to get.

I waited until that evening before I told Greg what I had done.  You see we had decided not to tell people about anything until we knew what the plan was.  We had an appointment with an oncologist on Monday morning; it was followed immediately with an appointment with the neurosurgeon.  We would wait until then when we would hopefully have a plan. Also I had told him that I was going to work on “being still” and letting God take the lead.  I was now going to have to admit that I cheated a little.  He actually seemed a little grateful and we both crossed our fingers as we paged her.  Much to our surprise we got a call right back and Greg took the phone into the other room so the kids wouldn’t hear or see anything.  He came back a few minutes later looking I think a little relieved; although, I don’t think the news was all that great.  She had told him that at this point it could be anything, but reminded him because of the location that it would be difficult to deal with.  She wrote down his symptoms and I think, asked a couple of other questions before saying that she was going to ask a neurosurgeon there in Iowa about it.  (I must now say thank you to that Doctor and thank you to everyone that helped her, THANK YOU, A MILLION TIMES THANK YOU.)  Both Greg and I were hopeful that this doctor would be able to call back before our appointments on Monday.  We wanted the input: what should we ask, what should we look for, were our Doctors here okay, should we look for other ones?  We had no idea about any of this stuff.

The next morning the Iowa Doctor called back and asked if we could overnight copies of the MRI disks to her.  She would then sit down with the neurosurgeon and look them over.  “Yes” I thought and then became very anxiously waiting for the clock to say 9:30 so that I could be the first in line at Fed-Ex.   Finally it came and I ran in on a mission, I wanted those on the very next plane. Low and behold they do not overnight anything on Saturdays and the best they could do was have it in Iowa Monday morning.  I reluctantly gave them one of the copies I had made not knowing what else to do.   Then I started on plan B.  There had to be a way.  This is America for a price you should be able to get anything done.  I spent the next hour on the phone calling any company that might be able to figure this out.  All I was able to come up with is to head to the airport.  There were several different airlines flying out of phoenix and flying into Cedar Rapids Saturday so I was determined to find someone willing to take it with them and then somehow get someone in Cedar Rapids to pick it up at the airport and give it to our Doctor.  I will spare you all of the details of what happened next.  I will just leave you with I found myself in a bit of a pickle because I guess it is a bit of a federal offence to try to convince someone to take something that isn’t theirs onto a plane.  (P.S. Crying only makes that particular situation worse.)

Making a very long story short I was able to get it on the plane and also managed to stay out of jail.  For a bit of a fee I was able to get it into the cargo portion of the plane and I was able to find someone in Cedar Rapids to pick it up that same night and take it to our Doctor. 

Greg and that Doctor exchanged several phone calls between then and Monday however our Iowa doctor and the Iowa neurosurgeon were unable to meet up on Sunday and so Greg and I just crossed our fingers, hoping to hear from her before our appointments.  Greg really enjoyed talking to her; however it started to sink in even further that this most likely wouldn’t end up well.  The tumor is located in the inferior aspect of the brainstem.  Sometimes it is too risky to even go in to get a biopsy.  We were now getting ourselves use to the idea that there wouldn’t be a surgery at all. Greg was told to eat well and sleep well and prepare for what would be next.  During this time his symptoms seemed to be getting a little worse.  He was supposed to work on Saturday night, but I convinced him to call in sick after he said he was getting a bit of a head ache and watching him lose his balance several times throughout the day.

Here are the Lyrics to those songs:

Let faith arise
Be still, there is a healer
His love is deeper than the sea
His mercy, it is unfailing
His arms are fortress for the weak

Let faith arise
Let faith arise

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
As I pour out my heart
These things, I remember
You are faithful, God, forever

Be still, there is a river
That flows from Calvary's tree
A fountain for the thirsty
Pure grace that washes over me

Let faith arise
Let faith arise

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
As I pour out my heart
These things, I remember
You are faithful, God, forever

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
As I pour out my heart
These things, I remember
You are faithful, God, forever

Let faith arise, let faith arise
Open my eyes, open my eyes
Let faith arise, let faith arise
Open my eyes, open my eyes

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
As I pour out my heart
These things, I remember
You are faithful, God, forever

And I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
As I pour out my heart
These things, I remember
You are faithful, God
You are faithful, God, forever

Let faith arise
Let faith arise

 

Cinderella

She spins and she sways
To whatever song plays
Without a care in the world
And I'm sitting here wearing
The weight of the world on my shoulders

It's been a long day
And there's still work to do
She's pulling at me
Saying "Dad, I need you

There's a ball at the castle
And I've been invited
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone...

She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed
She wants to know if I approve of the dress
She says, "Dad, the prom is just one week away
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone

She will be gone

Well, she came home today with a ring on her hand
Just glowing and telling us all they had planned
She says, "Dad, the wedding's still six months away
But I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone