Before I give an update on anything I want to say first it has just been physically and emotionally and in all other realms overwhelming to me how many people have made themselves available to us.  There have been people that we have just met who have become amazing supports to us here. There have been people who we haven’t seen or heard from in years that have made themselves available to us.  And also there are people we have known for years, but are now separated from us by miles who have come forward in just amazing ways.  Thank you, you have no idea how much I would like to be able to do something, anything for each of you or even just have the opportunity to look you all in the eye and shake your hand or give you hug.  Alas I can’t, but please hear me when I say thank you, it has meant an enormous amount to me and my family.  My kids have loved getting the mail, packages, crafts and treats.  I know that it has been encouraging for Greg to receive the emails, letters and packages and just recently to be able to talk to a few people on the phone.  We have had meals prepared for us so that I will have several days that I won’t have to give that any thought.  My kids have been on the adventure of their life having my dad to pal around with.  (I don’t know if there is anyone one from his lab that reads this, but thank you for allowing him this time.)  I want to say very much thank you for all that has been done to love and support us; also for this, which I will admit has been very difficult for me to accept.  I don’t know if it should be called independence or pride, but this one has always been a hard pill for me to swallow.  I have always liked and really insisted on only having things that my own hands have either made or provided.  After I had Everett, Greg and I made the decision that he would be the main provider this became a difficult mental and emotional obstacle for me.  I then had to expand a little out of my comfort zone and say only things that either my hands or Greg’s hands have made or provided.   During this time several people have come forward and offered us their financial support.   I don’t really even know what to do or say it has all just been so amazing and crazy and incredibly overwhelming.  This is a hard thing; almost an embarrassing thing for me to even talk about.  But I very much want to say Thank you!  Thank you everyone one for your amazing generosity.   I am finding I don’t yet have the emotional capability or capacity to process all of this, but I feel very cared for.  And I see my family being cared for and it makes me want to cry because I know there has been nothing that we have done to deserve this.

Several people have asked what our current situation is.  I wish I could answer this question.  I am very much a ducks in a row type of person and the unknowns tend to make me a little crazy and slightly irritable.  Right now we are in the midst of a complete unknown.  We had prepared ourselves I believe for Greg not being able to work for six to eight weeks after the surgery.  We were told that some people are cleared for work and driving right away, but most are able to go back to normal about six weeks after surgery.  I said before that I guess Greg and I were a little to optimistic or just plain ignorant to what our whole situation was.  We are learning more and more that Greg really had a very serious situation and that we are incredibly fortunate that he is doing as well as he is.  I will have to admit that both Greg and I understood (at least as much as one can) that there was a chance that he might not make it; or that he might end up on a ventilator or need to be tube fed for a period of time; for whatever reason we had come to grips with all of those.  The in-between things however we had given absolutely no thought to and they took us completely by surprise. We had given no thought to the possibility that Greg would have trouble walking, talking or even opening and closing his eyes.  That he would need help bathing, using the bathroom, brushing his teeth, eating, standing, getting dressed or even rolling over in bed.  Some of these things are getting better now, but again they never crossed our minds.  I don’t want to imply that I mind doing these things for him; in fact I have in no way minded being able to help in all of these areas.  My ability to physically help so that he doesn’t have to have some stranger take care of him has been the one thing that I have been able to offer Greg during this time.  I wish desperately I could have done more.  He was in so much pain and discomfort it was and still is my pleasure to assist in anything that I could, can or will have to in the future. 

Looking to the future is a little uncertain right now.  I have been assured that these things will get better in time.  I just have no idea how much time nor does anyone else.  If we are within several weeks of our initial estimate we will be ok after that I don’t really know.  The first step is getting him to a rehab unit.  The one here just happens to be the best.  We have the green light from everyone on this side, but we are now experiencing a little difficulty with our insurance company.  We will definitely get up there, but when is the big question.  I thought that we would have been up there last night and now I don’t even know if it will be tomorrow.  In the mean time we will continue to get therapy on the Neuro floor just not as much as I would like. 

Right now Greg is doing a little better every day.  I would say that his symptoms are all pretty much the same, but every day he is dealing with them better and better.  He still needs my help with all most everything, but he needs less and less of it every time.  I continue to stay with him.  I will admit now that the sleepless nights are starting to add up.  They have a love seat that I curl up on at night.  I started going down to the cafeteria two days ago in the morning after I get Greg’s breakfast going.  I had opportunities for food before then I just think that my nerves where so crazy I just had no appetite.  Other than that I am with Greg all day.  We have only needed the staff here for his medication I have otherwise been doing all of his cares.  I am thankful that I have the knowhow to do it.  Otherwise I fear I would go completely crazy feeling completely worthless.  Greg is more aware of his surrounding and what is going on I know he physically could handle me leaving, he would probably have to wait longer for help then he would want to, but I think he could physically do it. Emotionally I think it would be too much.  He saw his face in the mirror for the first time the other day and I think it scared him.  Again neither of us had expected this. 

So to not answer the question of “what exactly our current situation is.”  I just don’t know.  I don’t know when he will be able to get out of the hospital.  I don’t know when he will be able to drive or go back to work.  I don’t know how much physical assistance he will need when he comes home.  So I don’t know what to do about finding a job.  All I can do right now is ask for prayer, because I am just as much in the dark as everyone else.  I hope none of that sound to dramatic.  I understand that things will get better, I just don’t know when.   I am perfectly fine working; in fact I would probably mentally do much better being able to be productive and useful.   I just don’t want to jump into that and then realize in a week that I either won’t be able to leave Greg at home alone or that I won’t be able to leave Greg alone with the kids. 

So for right now just pray for some answers or guidance for me as I navigate through all of this.  I in no way want people to come away from this feeling like things are desperate.  I know that things will work out.  Like I said I just get a little cranky when I can’t see what’s around the corner.  These are things that I struggle with in my mind.  Wanting to know or to control or see the future.  God was showing me all of this at the beginning of this journey and at some point I lost focus of what he had shown me and I became distracted once again with all of the what ifs.  God has shown himself to be trust worthy; he has shown himself to be present, active, invested and concerned.  I don’t know why that concept is so hard for me to hold on to. 

I haven't had much time the last couple of days to update this.  I was able to send out mass texts to friends and family so I will make those updates available here to.


10/11/2013 7:26am
         "This is the type of surgery that Greg is having.  It is called a .. suboccipital telovelar approach craniotomy for cavernous malformation with wand guidance." 


10/11/2013 2:10pm
        "Greg's surgery is running a little late.  I am hoping he will be done around 6 our time, 8 Iowa time. They won't give me any updates until it is over."


10/11/2013 5:33pm
       "Still no news please pray."


10/11/2013 6:00pm
       "Just got news he is done, but I can't see him yet. They said that he is breathing on his own, but now has left side facial droop and is significantly weaker on the right side.  They don't know yet if they got it all.  They don't know if he will be able to swallow.  He is a bit combative and they are going to have to restrain him for the time being."


10/11/2013 7:33pm
        "He made it to the ICU.  I am with him now.  He has weakness and almost no sensation on the right side.  He has left side facial droop and is now having increased weakness on the left side.  He spoke a little and is oriented to self and place.  He is painful and very nauseated.  He has vomited now multiple times.  He is seeing everything sideways.  I just got him situated in bed and they gave him something for pain I am hoping he will sleep now and that these symptoms will be much improved tomorrow.  I am told that they should be.  I will be staying with him until he leaves the hospital."


10/12/2013 8:50am
        "It was a pretty terrible night.  Greg was throwing up about every 15-30 minutes.  He is in a lot of pain.  Still no feeling on his right side.  His left arm is drifting a bit.  Still has left side facial droop.  He has been able to chew and swallow ice cubes.  His eyes are jumping and spinning all over the place, every time he opens them he gets so dizzy he throws up.  It was just a miserable night for him.  He has an MRI today we are hoping that gives us some answers.  He knows what is going on and is talking when he feels well enough to.  They still think that most of the problems are from swelling so we hope that this looks completely different in the near future."


10/12/2013 5:33pm
        "Quick update for everyone.  Today has been spent mostly trying to get control of the pain, dizziness and nausea.  They have just added 3 more meds to hopefully help with the dizziness, of course the real relief won't come until the swelling goes down.  Everything else as far as the numbness on the right and the weakness on the left is the same.  He just had a swallowing test that he did pass.  He will be put on a soft diet with thin liquids and no straw.  I believe they will try that tomorrow.  He had an MRI at 10 this morning and I am still waiting on the results from that.  Greg knows who he is, where he is at and what has happened.  Other then answering those kinds of questions he hasn't talked very much today.  I am hoping more of his personality comes out tomorrow.  He has just been keeping his eyes closed and that seems to help with the dizziness.  He was able to take a 3 hour nap finally this afternoon.  The swallowing test made him sick again so we are trying to get a head of that and then hopefully he will fall asleep again.  I am hoping to talk to his surgeon at some point because I never did get any report on how exactly the surgery went.  That is all for now."



10/13/2013 8:01am
          "Just a quick update.  Last night went much better, he has not vomited since yesterday afternoon.  He slept on and off in about 2 hour intervals.  The nausea isn't gone, but is much better.  He is still very painful and dizzy.  Last night I got him to take about 6  bites of applesauce and just a couple of sips of juice.  Those are the first things he has had to eat.  He said that he would try breakfast this morning.  Although the symptoms except for the nausea are the same he is moving around in the bed better and talking a little bit more.  Today is going to be a busy they are going to get all of the therapist in and I believe there is going to be some more tests.  Since it is Sunday none of those are scheduled it is just first come first serve. I will not be leaving him at all today.


10/13/2013 3:45
           "Greg is doing a little better - basically the same report as this morning. I got him to eat just a few bites of eggs this morning and then I was able to talk him into getting up to a chair.  I was able to change his bed give him a bit of a bath and a clean gown.  He seemed a little more alert after the bath and asked to talk to his sister Hillary.  He stayed up for 3 hours which was longer then he probably should have.  He had about a dozen bites of lunch.  I was able to lift him back to bed myself.  He then had to be immediately meded because of the pain and dizziness.  He has been sleeping since then and is now running a bit of a temp.  We are continuing to keep things low key.  No TV, no music and very little motion in the room.  His talk to Hillary is the most he has talked at one time.  He wanted to check on the baby.  So far that is it I am waiting to see if he can get up again later tonight.

10/13/2013 9:53pm
          "Doing a little better today.  I was able to get him up to a chair and got him cleaned up.  He ate a little bit of both breakfast and lunch.  I put him back to bed after he had been up for 3 hours.  He took a little nap and then they woke him up so that he could transfer out of the ICU and on to the neuro floor.  He sat up for 2 hours and had a little bit of dinner.  Pain and dizziness are still the same also the numbness on the right side, facial droop on the left side and now some numbness and tingling on the left foot.  We still have not talked to the surgeon we hope that will happen tomorrow.  Greg was able to talk to our Dr. friend in Iowa she was happy to hear from him and she was able to get him to talk for a bit.  After he hung up the nurse gave him a dose of valium. Normally this knocks him out right away but this time he started laughing. He told me what the Dr. said about his nose.  Apparently she made fun of his "big ugly nose" like she always does. After that he started cracking jokes left and right, he even tried to grab my butt. Slowly Greg is coming back!"


10/14/2013 1:12pm
           "Greg was able to work with PT and OT today. PT was able to get him to walk about 30 feet with a walker and assistance of 2.  It wasn't very pretty, but Greg was a trooper and continued to push through. OT mainly worked with his eyes to see if they could help with the nystagmus.  They are going to try to get some vestibular people in tomorrow so we will see if that will help.  Right now Greg's biggest complaint is the dizziness.  He feels like he could deal with the pain and is willing to work hard with the therapist, but he is just not handling the dizziness well.  He ate about half of his breakfast today which is the most he has eaten.  His sweet tooth was not affected at all he wants chocolate everything.  He is struggling a little with keeping his oxygen saturation up.  He is really wiped out, but has been willing to try everything that everyone has asked of him.  Still numb on right
a little weak on the left.  Left side facial droop and now a little numbness and tingling on his left hand and foot. He continues to not be able to close his left eye and it is now  beginning to get quite dry and irritated.  We were able to meet with Dr. Spetzlers PA today she was able to give us a little more information she said that his tumor had grown quite a bit she called it "enormous."  Which made Greg's surgery a bit more challenging.  We were told to expect a 4 to 6 hour surgery more on the six hour side. It ended up being a little over 9 hours. Right now everyone is recommending rehab they are estimating a 10 day stay.  Dr. Spetzler just came in and told us that his follow up MRI looked "spectacular." Greg and I are coming to discover more and more how lucky we were to be here.  What Greg has would probably have been inoperable anywhere else and then who knows what would have happened. We had I guess unrealistic expectations for what life after the surgery would look like, but the more that we are discovering about what Greg's condition was we are seeing how fortunate we are that he is doing as well as he is.


10/15/2013 10:01am
          "Greg just walked 168ft with me and the walker. WAY better then yesterday! And his left eye is able to close a little bit more today.  I guess that is pretty amazing none of the staff thought that it would improve this fast.  We are waiting for our insurance to ok rehab.  The rehab unit has a bed available today.  I am told this is the best neuro rehab unit in the country.  We are at St. Joseph's hospital in Phoenix Arizona we are in the barrow neurological institute. If anyone wants to look it up." 

It is about 3am phoenix time on October 12th.  Greg is resting quietly for now and I have found sleeping impossible for myself so I thought I could write a really quick update since I will be mostly unavailable for the rest of today.

Greg had his surgery yesterday morning.  We had an early start getting up at 4am so that we could make it to the hospital around five to start all of his pre-op stuff.  Greg was doing his usual crack a joke routine, but he was getting scared and hadn’t slept the night before.  I will admit to having the “jitters” myself and I was very relieved to see that we had beat the morning  traffic and were able to get to the hospital with no problems.

Greg and I had from 5:30 to just before 9 to talk which was nice.  It was good to be able to sit next to him and at least try to calm his nerves.  The kids had recorded a couple messages that we got to watch on my phone then Greg sent a couple of knock knock jokes back to them.  Everyone in pre-op had a good laugh at Greg’s recent hair cut disaster.  He had gone to Great Clips last week to get his last hair cut before the surgery and to be funny he asked the hair stylist to make a bullseye on the back of his head.   I guess the hair stylist didn’t understand fully and although Greg had a feeling it wasn’t quite right he didn’t know until he got home and I showed him the results.  The lady decided to shave Greg’s hair 3” past where his hair line should be and then she shaved two small dots out one on top of the other on the left side of his head.  Since he was pretty numb on the right side he had no idea how bad it really was.  

Dr. Cronk, (Dr. Spetzler’s resident) came into our pre-op room and answered a few last questions.  She told us to expect about a six hour surgery and then told us that they were going to tape Greg’s because they don’t do many surgeries on this particular part of the brain stem.  She told us she would make a copy of the tape if we wanted.  I have mostly a voided watching any of the youtube videos that Greg has brought up, but I thought watching his after everything was done would be interesting.

The anesthesiologist came and got Greg at 9 and I was shipped off to the waiting room.  The next several hours were terrible.  They didn’t give me any updates other than a little pager that is preprogramed to say surgery in progress every couple of hours except for once about four hours in when it asked me to quickly go to the front desk to talk to the volunteer. I about threw up that time thinking of course something must have gone wrong.  However nothing had happened, the volunteer just wanted to know what I looked like.  I wish they would have started that page off with “ don’t worry everything is fine I just have a really stupid question!”  A little after 4 a secretary called and said that she thought that they were finishing up.  She however didn’t know anything about Greg or the surgery, at the end of that conversation I wasn’t even sure she was talking about Greg. 

Finally when I couldn’t take it one minute more Dr. Cronk came to the waiting room and said that Greg had just made it to recovery it was about 6pm.  She said that Greg did just fine and that she thought that they had gotten the whole mass out, but they would have to confirm that with an MRI.  She said that he couldn’t have made it any more difficult though.  She gave me great news that he was able to get extubated and that he was now breathing on his own.   She said that he was now much weaker on the right side then he had been and that he also now had a facial droop on the left side.  I think from just the sheer buildup of stress, anxiety and nerves I let a hand full of tears come out.  They were the first ones I had allowed since we had gotten Greg’s diagnosis.  Just then I got a phone call from the Iowa Dr. that had been helping, advising and encouraging Greg.  I hope that it now ok to call her a friend because I know that is how both Greg and I view her.  This Friend was responding to a text I had sent right before Dr. Conk had come in.  I was able to tell our friend the update even thought I was still a little tearful.  She was great and reminded me of things that I knew and educated me on several things that I didn’t.  Basically she told me that it was great news that Greg was breathing on his own and that all of these symptoms were to be expected and that they were nothing to worry about.  They would either resolve shortly or would be able to be worked on in time.  She reminded me that this wasn’t the time to be tearful and that I needed to be there for Greg.  Thank you, I know that you told me to stop saying that, but even friends need to tell each other how much they are appreciated.  I Very, Very much appreciate everything that you have done. 

I was left to wait in the waiting room for at least another half hour.  Although encouraged by the information from our friend my nerves were getting the best of me.  I hadn’t slept the last couple of nights before nor had I eaten anything that day and I think everything was catching up with me so I finally practically demanded to go to recovery to see Greg.  Luckily Dr. Conk saw me and said that she would take me, she told me that he had actually been asking for me.  I was relieved to see Greg and at the same time a little shocked to see the condition he was in.  I think I had prepared myself for a worse situation having seen patients in pretty bad situations before when I worked at the hospital in Iowa.  What I hadn’t really prepared for I guess is what my response would be to having the patient be my husband.  No I didn’t cry but I did immediately want to be able to comfort him.  He was in a lot of pain and couldn’t stop vomiting.  He was scared because he could now no longer feel his right side, he knew he was talking funny and he said that every time he opened his eyes everything appeared sideways or upside down and it made the nausea even worse. 

Greg is normally the clingier one of the two of us.  When I am sick or stressed out I just want space.  I handle things much better on my own.  Greg however normally needs some physical contact; he needs a hug or a hand to hold.  He wants to talk; he needs to hear the facts and he needs to hear that everything is ok.  He normally wants to joke or make some smart comment.  I started to gently do this and then saw the recovery nurse become upset.  She rightly did so.  You see Greg being a neuro -patient he needed to have very little stimuli at this time.  Little noise, little touch, little everything.  The nurse was scared I would become upset and ushered me out.  I became very upset with myself that I hadn’t remembered that Greg would need to recover differently this time.  We had talked about it quite a bit in the time leading up to the surgery and had agreed that until he was doing much better to keep everyone, but me out.  I had remembered that part, but I had let the why slip my mind. 

It was over a Half hour before I was able to join him again now in the ICU.  The nurses were doing their assessment on him.  I was encouraged that he answered all of the questions appropriately without needing anyone to lead or guide him to the right answer.  I was discouraged though that none of his personality was showing through at all.  I know that I shouldn’t have expected it, but for some reason I did expect that he would try to slip out a smart joke or say something a little off to get a laugh.  They tested Greg’s strength and although now weak on both sides he was at least able to move everything.  He continued to have very little to no sensation on his right side.  His facial droop was pretty significant made only worse by all of the swelling in his head and face.  He continued to be very painful and nauseated and became quite restless with everything.  I felt worthless I didn’t have anything that I could do to comfort him. 

Finally the nurses completed their assessment and began to get a clean gown on him and then prepared his pain and anti-nausea meds.  I sat in the corner and shot out a quick text update to our friends.  Knowing that I wouldn’t be allowed to keep my cell phone on I put my sister in charge of calling our families.  Again our Doctor friend called.  She had received the update and must have sensed that I was feeling overwhelmed and ill equipped for all of this.  She again reinforced that so far we had great news.  That everything he was exhibiting was to be expected and then proceeded to give me very helpful advice and encouragement.  She was the only person other than my dad that I talked to last night.  Honestly she is the only one that I would have wanted to hear from.  Without mincing words she told me the truth and gave me my marching orders which were exactly what I needed.

I spent the rest of the night repositioning Greg and holding his bucket.  Finally around 2 they were able to find a combination of drugs that gave him a little relief.  He now is sleeping on and off.  About every forty-five minutes he wakes up in pain and is nauseated so I get up and hold his bucket and change his bedding.  He has allowed me to swab out his mouth a bit and he feels like that helps a little.  I have been encouraged throughout the night that Greg’s voice seems a little stronger and that he is moving in bed a little better.  The nurse wants to see if she and I chair can get him up to the chair in a little bit so I will end this soon.  Greg is sleeping now so we are just waiting for him to stir again.  We told him our plan last time he was up and he was a little hesitant because of how dizzy and sick he gets every time he opens his eyes.  Unfortunately I think this is the only way to start making it better.  Things feel a little scary right now with his side effects, but I have come to understand it is because of all of the swelling on the brain.  We were told it could be initially much worse and that he should return to normal in time.

I am doing well, although I still haven’t slept or ate, I feel just fine.  I require almost no sleep under normal situations and under situations like this apparently I need none.  And after helping Greg with his bucket all night I have absolutely no appetite.

Greg will have speech therapy, occupational therapy and physical therapy at some point today as well as an MRI.  I know that Greg had wanted to work and work hard I hope that he will be able to push through and participate in everything.  I plan on making him anyways.  Please continue to pray.  My hope is that we can still stay with our original discharge plan which was to go home in three to four days.

The Long Road

 

                So I will use the very clichéd phrase to start this entry. Every journey begins with the first step.  I had always thought and had presumed that others started theirs with green pastures and rose petals.  I felt like my first step was on rocks covered in nails.  I know it was needed though.  I struggle with seeing that everyone comes with sin and that mine is not any worse than anyone else’s.  I had to open the sutures and dig deep to see my issues that I had never wanted to see the light of day.  My hurts are still present, but God is giving me the ability to look at my past issues; to see what the real problem is and how to deal with them.  (I am sorry my thought process is a little scattered, remember I have a brain tumor.)  A sermon was brought to my attention from one of my wonderful sister-in-laws, this sermon best describes how I feel.  It’s called “TRUEFACED,” It talked about how you come to a fork in the road spiritually where you can go down one path which is called “Pleasing God” or the other one that is called “Trusting God.”  I am sitting at the fork now.  I have been down the “Pleasing God” path and came to the room where everyone there said, “I’m fine” there wasn’t any real deep thought or reflections that happened there.  Everyone there was “just fine.”  I was content there, but I wasn’t growing although I didn’t know it at the time.  I felt that I fit in there; it was much easier being “fixed” with other “fixed people.”  I have seen the trusting God room where everyone says “I am sinful and horrible” but God blesses them with grace and says that He wants them anyway.  I feel I am not ready for that room yet.  I think my sins are like a canyon keeping me from God.  I am slowly looking at those sins and giving them over to God.  It is a struggle everyday but I am becoming more open with Abigail and others and being honest with myself.  It’s not always easy but I know that the end goal is worth it.

                God is showing me new things every day, but my heart is still trying to hold back.  He gives me new situations that brings me out of my comfort zone and makes me hold onto Him.  I am appreciative but also scared of it; I am still waiting for the moment when I will let people down and then put my mask on again.  Recently, our car was having issues and I took it to the shop and found out it needed two expensive parts to fix the problem.  I actually found out the news about my abnormal spine MRI while I was at the auto shop.  So it was a double shot of bad news.  I was ill-equipped to deal with either of them.  Well, we have made it through the “braincloud” so far and God provided for us with the car now.  I took it to the shop today because I had the strong desire to make sure my family was safe and that the car would be reliable especially because I most likely wouldn’t be.  Instead of a $1000 repair, they fixed a single pipe for significantly less and guaranteed that upcoming repairs for the same problem would be free.  It was wonderful to see that God could give me the chance to step up and be the man for once and then also allow me to experience a success. I will admit that I was anxious the entire time and was afraid I would fail.  Satan was there at the same time that God was.  Satan was using his old tricks to discourage me; making me feel ashamed and unsure of myself.  I responded differently to this event though.  In the past, I would always look to others to verify my choice or worse, let them choose for me.  I almost called Abigail to ask if it was okay to get the car fixed.  I know it sounds silly, but I am always scared that I will fail or be found out to be a fraud.  I struggle with this every day and hope I can eventually see God’s plan to repair me because I continue to beat myself up over this stuff.  I am just holding on to God for dear life; I know that things will get much worse if I go back and revert to my old ways.  I was in one of those self-doubt and plain overwhelmed moods one morning while sitting in the parking lot.  I was trying to get the strength to get out and face the rest of the day.  A song played that spoke to me.  This song put words to the things that were on my heart; things that I wanted to say to God but didn’t know how to.  Sidewalk Prophets Song, “Help Me Find It”, was what I needed to calm me down and put words to what my heart felt.  Here are the lyrics.

 

 

I don’t know where to go from here

It all used to seem so clear

I’m finding I can’t do this on my own

 

I don’t know where to go from here

As long as I know that You are near

I’m done fighting

I’m finally letting go

 

I will trust in You

You’ve never failed before

I will trust in You

 

If there’s a road I should walk

Help me find it

If I need to be still

Give me peace for the moment

Whatever Your will

Whatever Your will

Can You help me find it

Can You help me find it

 

I’m giving You fear and You give faith

I’m giving You doubt

You gave me grace

For every step I’ve never been alone

 

Even when it hurts, You’ll have Your way

Even in the valley I will say

With every breath

You’ve never let me go

 

I will wait for You

You’ve never failed before

I will wait for You

 

If there’s a road I should walk

Help me find it

If I need to be still

Give me peace for the moment

Whatever Your will

Whatever Your will

Can You help me find it

Can You help me find it

 

I lift my empty hands (come fill me up again)

Have Your Way my King (I give my all to You)

I lift my eyes again (was blind but now I see)

‘Cause You are all I need

 

If there’s a road I should walk

Help me find it

If I need to be still

Give me peace for the moment

Whatever Your will

Whatever Your will

Can You help me find it

Can You help me find it

 

                I know that I am not all the way there; just “holding onto God,” but I believe I was put on this journey now so that I would finally stop and listen to God.   This song states what I am going through.  The things that have given me the false sense of comfort and security in the past are not working anymore.  I am trying to figure out where God wants me and I am struggling to just wait and listen.  I want to hear him when He tells me to be still.  Like the song, I want to be still when He wants me to be still and I want to walk when God tells me to walk.  That first step was a killer, but I feel it was what He wanted. Being honest about my position in life and then trusting that His grace will wash all of that away.  I am not completely giving in to that yet, but I desire so much that God holds onto me and pushes me further on this journey.   I want to be in the room of trusting God where I can be honest about my sins and that God will draw me closer to him and heal me.

                This week has been hard.  My symptoms are getting worse.  My dizziness gives me problems throughout the day and I have to use all my concentration to slow down and move slowly so I don’t increase the dizziness.  My right side feels so heavy in the morning and I have to sit in the shower longer and longer to attempt to loosen things up.  I had to stop working last Wednesday because I did not want to harm my patients; I am trying to know my limits.  Abigail has had to drive us around.  I get too dizzy to drive around town anymore.  I pray that the surgery will fix these issues and that I can resume my daily activities without any hindrances.  I am having trouble every day trusting that God will provide for us, I keep reading that these symptoms could persist for a year.  This worries me greatly, but I know God has gotten me this far and only He knows how I will get past this next step.  We had our pre-op visit this Wednesday and it was tedious and a little scary being this close to the surgery date; there were a lot of drawing labs and then getting the MRI to see how the surgeon will access my brain.  I did not get a lot of answers yesterday except that the hospital-stay was approved from my insurance; even though it is still pretty expensive.  I joke and say it will be an expensive haircut; I want to ask my world renowned surgeon to sign my skull so it will be worth some money.  I went home that night and googled the surgery.  There was actual a Youtube video of the surgery I will be having with my surgeon and it was somewhat scary but I know that I cannot worry about it and know that I am in good hands.

                I want to thank everyone for the cards, emails, and gift packages.  They have been a great comfort and blessing to my family.  It keeps my mind off the “what-ifs” and it makes me remember that I am surrounded by people who truly care about me.  This has been tough on my family yet these packages and letters have kept us upbeat and focusing on the positive things in this life and thankful for the people that God has placed around us.  I was so surprised when my new co-workers rallied together and gave my family a wonderful gift basket full of things to provide support and comfort during this stressful time.  It is amazing to see how God provides for us when we least expect it.  People may see these things as little, but they have made such an impact on me.  We could never have planned for an outcome as well as what God has done for us.  So many friends and family members from Iowa have sent us amazing letters and packages.  Abigail and my old co-workers from Iowa even sent us some knock-knock jokes to entertain Everett who is in love with these jokes.  All of this has served as a reminder to me of how loved we are.  I want to say how much we love and appreciate all of you. 

Thank you from my whole family.

Just a quick update

 

Greg, the kids, and I have been able to keep the last several days quiet.  Everett and Amara have gotten a little cold, but so far Greg and I have been able to stay healthy.  Greg’s dizziness and also the sensation on his right side has gotten a little worse, this is making him a little more unsteady on his feet so he has made the decision to stay at home.  I know that Greg felt the need to work and provide as long as he could, but I am happy that he was able to recognize his physical limits.  Everett has been off on fall break, so we have had lots of low key family time.  The kids have had fun dressing up and doing crafts.  We have also taken them to the pool and to the park a couple of times.  We have been trying to teach the kids different card and board games.  The game spoons is still a little hard they caught on to the game Sorry pretty fast and show no mercy when they draw those dreaded Sorry cards.  After I saw how they acted with the little bit of power with those Sorry cards I have decided to keep Monopoly on the top shelf.  Monopoly can be plain evil in the wrong hands.   

Some people have been asking what exactly Greg’s symptoms are so I thought that I would keep everyone up to speed on that.  He says this is how he imagines it would feel like to have a stroke.  His whole right side is numb and at times it has a painful pins and needles sensation.  The muscles on his right side are very tight and achy; this makes getting to sleep and staying asleep difficult.  He continues to be pretty dizzy and also seems to have a constant nagging headache.  He has a continual ringing sound in his right ear and he complains that he can’t hear very well out of it.  Being in loud environments makes his headache worse.  He continues to feel pretty stressed as he looks into our future.  I recognize that it is of course still a scary situation, but I try to remind him about what we originally thought we were dealing with. 

My dad came into town last night after the kids had already gone to bed.  This made for quite the surprise this morning.  True to form Everett was up a little after 5am and then ran back to wake up Amara.  Being the good daughter that I am I left my dad to fend for himself and got a couple more hours of sleep.  I did however make a doughnut run this morning to make up for my dad’s early start. 

Greg has his pre-op appointment tomorrow morning and then the surgery is scheduled for early Friday morning. We are hoping that we have some more answers tomorrow.  From what we understand now is that Greg will be in the ICU for three or four days.  After that it is all pretty much up in the air; we have no idea what life after Friday will look like so we are doing our best to just deal with each day as it comes.  I will be staying at the hospital with Greg.  I am sure that I will be that pain in the butt family member that everyone dreads seeing, but I am determined to make sure that Greg has the best shot at recovery.

   Both Greg and I are starting to get a little nervous now that we are so close to the surgery date.  Greg is worried that the progression of his symptoms might mean that they will be permanent. As you can imagine these things weigh pretty hard on a man’s heart.  He wants to know how long before he can start working again and of course there is no way of knowing that.  Please continue to pray for the surgery and also for Greg’s recovery. 

Right now I think the most helpful things are either meals or gift cards to be able to get groceries or have meals delivered.  Also anything that keeps the kids occupied during the recovery time.  Since we don’t know how long the road to recovery will be anything that makes life easier on us would be great.  I want to make sure that my main focus is being available for Greg and the kids and I am just trying to push all of the other things to the side for right now.  Please continue to pray for our family again that the surgery goes smoothly and that the recovery is quick and that somehow all of the other details work out.