The Truth

                Before this event occurred, my life was in shambles.  I was not honest with myself or with other people around me.  Since I do not know what will happen to me in the near future, I should have nothing holding me back from telling the truth now. Of course, this is not the case.  For God knows how long I have put on different masks for people to show them that I am an okay person, when deep down I have been ashamed of who I am.  I hide so many hurts that I fear if I show them to the world, I will repulse everyone around me and I will be alone.  I was raised to know God and I believe He is in my life, but I also believe that even He is horrified by the real me.  I am ashamed of myself and am really struggling to even write this.  I am not deeply knowledgeable of the Scripture but one thing keeps tugging at my heart and that is “bring the darkness into the Light.”  I don’t know where to begin, but I will try to give you a summary of how I am feeling now.

                After this brain tumor was discovered in my head, I was saddened that I may not be around to watch my kids grow; I was however more at peace with the fact that God finally saw who I am and that I was going to get the punishment that I knew I deserved.  My wife and kids could be free of my selfishness and pride.  I have only lived for myself.   I have only cared for how I felt, for this reason I put on a mask for everyone and let no one see who I really am or how I really feel.  I am not even capable of letting my own wife see or know me.  So many mentors have come and gone in my life because I could not be honest with them, how could I, when I couldn’t even be honest with myself.  They had no real choice but to give up on the man who refused to help himself.  After I realized I may not have much time left, I started to open up to my wife.  We felt like maybe things could get better between us and in fact they did.  She has extended grace so many times to start over with me, but I have refused to be real with her. Another mask and another layer added to cover up my deep hurts and my insecurities.  It angers me when I think about the time I have wasted and how much I have hurt her heart.  This was my chance to free her and allow her peace.  God had other plans though.  None of which I wanted.

                After we saw the neurosurgeon, we had wonderful news; God had provided for us and would give us more time.  The tumor was operable and not cancerous.  It should have been a time to celebrate. It was for my wife but not for me.  I was going to live.  My heart actually sank.  I was not getting the punishment I thought I deserved. To elaborate, I felt that this was my payment for a life of selfishness, sin, and self-loathing. When I found out that the payment was cancelled, I felt that uneasiness with myself again because I was back where I started; trying to figure out how to pay for this.  Peace for Abigail was now being denied.  I am sure you are thinking what an awful man I am, but at least I am being honest for once in my life.  I am struggling to share this with you and fighting the desire to put on a smile and tell you how relieved I am to be saved by God.  My “rational” thinking has always led me to believe that there are consequences for actions; so there must also be a punishment for mine.  When this punishment keeps escaping me, I am left wondering when it will come so my heart can be at ease.  Self-loathing is the way Satan keeps me in his pocket.  He also keeps me busy with tasks to prove my penance for my transgressions and my attempts to wipe the slate clean.  The present situation has shown me I have no more time to hide, or to be dishonest even to myself, nor do I have the ability to clear my own debts.   I may end up alone after this is all said and done, but at least I will have the Truth and then maybe I can finally be healed from myself.  I did not think the gift given to us was meant for me.  It was for my wife and kids to enjoy the mercy that God provided.  I felt I was meant for more punishment; but God was giving me an opportunity to be open and honest.  I didn’t see that though.  I went back to the shame and hurt while hiding it under a smile and telling everyone how wonderful God was.  But my wife started to see through it.  She has seen it all before and had the decency to call me out on my lies.  She had enough and wanted more.  She had extended grace and wanted some return on the promises I gave her.  It made me open my eyes to see that I was choosing to be apart from God and choosing to wallow in self-pity and hate.  I truly hate myself at this point.  I should be thankful that God spared me, but I am trying to pull back old scabs and see into these now open wounds to see the truth of who I truly am and I hate who I have found.  I have lied to myself for so long that now I either believe the lie that “I am not that bad” or I stay put in this Hell because I feel I deserve to be punished for the willful disregard for God’s truth, light and his Laws.  Right now I don’t know which one is worse but I am now choosing to be open with you and finally be honest with myself.

                This maybe more than what people want to hear or you may think that I am in self-abuse mode, but I feel like I am at least being truthful for once in my life; seeing who I really am and finally letting other people see that to.  I am broken.  At first, I wanted this to be some spiritual letter that would reach people and help them avoid my same pitfalls, but my helpmate made me see the truth.  I cannot help others if I refuse to be truthful with myself and with everyone around me.  I cannot let God in if I am putting on a mask and trying to hide my true self from Him.  I know he knows the truth of my heart and that he sees it clearer then I am capable of and I know this to be the only way to be healed.  I am not sure how this is all going to end but I want to share with you my TRUE feelings and thoughts.  I am grateful for all of the people praying for my family and me; how everyone has extended themselves to us.  I want to extend myself to you and let you into this process so that maybe when this trial passes, I will be healed physically and spiritually and the wounds on my inside will disappear.

                I will continue to view my wounds and brokenness in the light.  I ask for your prayers and patience in this time.  I do not know when I will add to this blog, but I know that I want God to lead me in it.  I will be pleased to share the revelations that I pray He provides to me even though at times I fear they will be painful, I will try to speak the truth and not let my masks hide how I am truly feeling.  I don’t want my self-preservation to keep me from revealing what is being shown to me or to prevent me from opening up to you.