It’s always gonna be something with you isn’t it Joe

 

                I feel like God must say this millions of times a day.   This quote is from the movie Joe vs. The Volcano.  Meg Ryan says it to Tom Hanks after they find themselves escaping a series of death defining events.  First they were the soul survivors of a shipwreck and were able to use Joe’s water proof luggage as a raft.  Next they find an inhabited island just as they run out of water.  Then after jumping into an active volcano they find themselves being shot right out of it unharmed.  Then once again Joe’s luggage is formed into a raft as they watch the island sink into the ocean.  Last they find out that the incurable disease of Joes (the braincloud) doesn’t even exist.   Meg Ryan’s character Patricia is in complete awe as she looks back at all of these events and exclaims “We are saved.”  And then Tom Hanks Character Joe says “well yeah, but we are still in the middle of nowhere with no land in sight and no water.”  Meg Ryan’s Characters follows that up by saying “It’s always gonna be something with you isn’t it Joe.”

                Four years ago my mentor asked me something like what my end goal was.  What did I want, and where did I emotionally /spiritually want to be at the end of this.  I think it took me a while, days, and weeks even then I finally concluded that I just wanted peace to have some rest and freedom.  Freedom not necessarily from my present circumstances, but freedom from me really.  My mind and thoughts would just exhaust me, but I couldn’t see how to stop them.  I wanted so badly for things to just work out right.  But I felt like I had to keep all of the plates in the air at all times.  I had to work physically and mentally nonstop just to end up in the same place.  It felt like I could single handedly ruin things and people just by saying, doing, thinking or not remembering the right thing.  I wanted to have a peaceful fulfilling marriage; I wanted to be the mom and wife that didn’t have to try to respond in love.  I wanted to be a hardworking, dependable non complaining employee.  (All of my Iowa coworkers probably just choked on their own saliva, because I couldn’t have been further from that.)  No matter how hard I tried and really desired to be the good wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, coworker or friend I always failed in this effort miserably and not just that, but someone always ended up being hurt by me.  So I would pour all of my effort once again into doing everything the right way.  I became active in the church, active with my parents and siblings.  I would take extra responsibility on myself just desperate to have some conformation that I was on the right track, but it never worked out that way.   

                So peace, rest and freedom were what I desired and I prayed for those relentlessly for months to no avail.  Finally I gave up hope that such a thing even existed.  All three of those by the way are promised by God when we put our trust in him.  I didn’t get it; I don’t know anybody who more stubbornly commits themselves to their resolution then me.  So why was it being withheld from me.  “I was doing the work, I was baby stepping.”  (That one is for my family, your welcome.) Sometime before this event Greg and I had stopped going to church.  I decided to work weekends instead.  I couldn’t handle church people anymore.  They all talked about all of those spiritual feelings and blessing, but I could see that their little wheels were spinning just like mine, but unlike me they refused to admit that they hadn’t found any peace or rest.  There is another quote from that movie that makes me think about this.  Patricia told Joe “My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know. Everybody you see. Everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake and they live in a state of constant total amazement.”  This is what I pictured when I thought of peace, rest and freedom.  This is what it should look like, “Constant Total Amazement.”  This is not what I found at church, blessed talk at church, home talk at home, two separate realities.  I told you before that I could never get comfortable with the obvious nakedness of the emperor.  The church seemed embarrassingly naked to me yet the charade continued on.  For me to buy any of it, God had to be real to me, real at church, real at home, real at work and real when I was alone.  I didn’t want to pretend it or to try really hard to convince myself of it.  It wasn’t enough for me to read about other people’s experiences with God in the bible I needed to experience him for myself.  I wanted proof, I demanded a sign. 

                One of my favorite books is C. S. Lewis’s Till we have Faces, I read this book at least two times a year and is one of only four or five books that I have ever picked up again after reading it for the first time.  This book is the retelling of the Greek myth of Cupid and Psyche.  The story starts out with an accusation to the Gods by queen Orual.  The story is told from her perspective.  Her whole life she has feared the gods and their interactions with humans and yet in the same token she doubts their very existence.   I can very much relate to her story line and I have found myself walking the line between biblical obedience based purely out of the fear of being wrong, and mockingly refusing to be made a fool by being part of a club that only meets on Sunday mornings.  I teeter back and forth between those two realities; I am usually an all or nothing kind of girl so this line was difficult for me to walk.

                Several years ago I started to teeter towards biblical compliance because I saw everything begin to fall apart again.  I had gotten tired of keeping everything going and I had begun to let the plates fall.  Greg and I could hardly stand each other, I felt completely let down by him, this was not the kind of marriage I had signed up for.  My kids were exhausting to me I loved them, but it was difficult for me to be warm or loving towards them when I didn’t feel like I had anything left.  I was scared that I would emotionally harm them by being so cold and emotionless it was beginning to tear me apart.  I had tried so hard to reestablish a real and honest relationship with my parents and siblings.  I poured everything I had left into a family reunion over Christmas I had wanted so badly for things to work out; I was hoping that there would be some understanding with my family.  I have wanted so badly at times for people to be able to look into my craziness and see that I just needed help, I thought that this would be the time, that this trip would be encouraging and healing, but instead I left feeling completely devastated.   I was accused of being a selfish brat among other things; it was a blow that I couldn’t take.  It took me months to get over the hurt and shock. 

                I brought all of that up because it was during this time that things were being revealed to me that I believe were meant to prepare me for this.  There was one day in particular that I was really struggling.  Greg had been working very late hours, I had been sick for a week and it was as though my kids could smell blood in the water because they were being crazy.  That day I was just living for their bed time, and finally it came.  Everett went to bed like a trooper, but Amara was just bent on making it difficult.  Amara and I just went round and round that night, but finally I felt like we had come to an understanding and I began to tuck her into bed.  Right as I was leaving her room she did or said something awful.   I don’t remember what it was, but I remember thinking why couldn’t she have done that after I had left the room and then I could pretend that I hadn’t heard it.  But now I had to be a “good mom” and once again have a battle of the wills with Amara.  I tried to, but I just couldn’t do it, I was just too tired so I took the easy way out and said sternly “what is your dad going to say when I tell him.”  She had been facing the wall refusing to roll over, but all of a sudden she rolled over and looked at me square in the eye and she said confidently “beautiful,” then she rolled back to the wall and pulled the covers over her head.

                I went up to my room and started my new biblical compliance bed time routine of reading several chapters in the bible then scaring myself half to death with a book called Bondage Breaker and then I would pray for an hour just begging God to just give me a sign.  Give me peace, to let me rest, to give me some freedom in him and then I ended my routine feeling just as alone as I had when I began it.

I was restless that night and couldn’t get to sleep.  This wasn’t unusual I almost never sleep.  I just kept thinking about what Amara had said.  It played over and over in my mind; how was I going to parent that little ball of defiant energy?  After a while a thought came to me.  I believe it was from God because it came to a conclusion that wasn’t anywhere near my scope or current frame of reference.   I believe he said “it’s true, I would say that you are beautiful” then it continued “there hasn’t been a time or an event that if you or anyone else were to ask me what my thoughts of you are my answer first and most importantly would and will be beautiful.   I see you as beautiful.” Can you imagine my shock as I started to process that concept?  He thought of me as beautiful first before anything else!!  I am a doer; I try so hard all of the time to do the right thing.  I wanted so badly to be valuable to someone and he was saying that even in the times when I have given up and in a defiant act of disobedience bite my thumb at him he still views me first as beautiful.

It was also during this time that he started introducing me to another concept.  He started to show me that what he desired of me was my heart and not my hands.  Wow, this one was hard because I happen to be a doer that had no access to my heart at all.  I wanted a cure, a fix, but that wasn’t on the table, he wanted to heal me. 

A couple of days later a song came on the radio I had heard it many times before and already knew enough of the words that I could mostly sing along with it.  This time however it felt different the words meant something new.  The song is by Brandon Heath it is called Your Love.

I felt it first when I was younger
A strange connection to the light
I tried to satisfy the hunger
I never got it right
I never got it right

So I climbed a mountain and l built an altar
Looked out as far as I could see
And everyday I’m getting older
I’m running outta dreams
I’m running outta dreams

But Your love
Your love
The only thing that matters is Your love
Your love is all I have to give
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
It’s Your love
Your love
all I ever needed is Your love

You know the effort I have given
And you know exactly what it cost
And though my innocence was taken
Not everything is lost
Not everything is lost nooooo

But Your love
Your love
The only thing that matters is Your love
Your love is all I have to give
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
It’s Your love
Your love
all I ever needed is Your love

You’re the hope in the morning
You’re the light when the night is falling
You’re the song when my heart is singing
it’s Your love
You’re the eyes to the blind man
You’re the feet to the lame man walking
You’re the sound of the people singing
It’s Your love

But Your love
Your love
The only thing that matters is Your love
Your love is all I have to give
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
It’s Your love
Your love
all I ever needed is Your love

But Your love
(Your love is all that I needed)
The only thing that matters is Your love
Your love is all I have to give
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
(Your love is all that I needed)
It’s Your love
Your love
It’s all I ever needed

            I felt like God was giving me confirmation that he saw me trying, and he saw me struggling.  He wasn’t calling me dramatic or a brat; he wasn’t even shaming me for my lack of faith or trust.  I wasn’t being punished for my questioning his existence.    I felt like he was telling me that he understood why, and that he held no anger towards me for my actions or thoughts; instead he grieved for the wounds that my heart had sustained.  He saw me as beautiful and knew me to be deeply wounded.  I had read the verse psalm 56:8 the night before “You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”  The night I read that verse it felt condemning to me I received no comfort from it.  I felt like the tears that I usually shed were out of anger or shame in being caught. All I needed was for him to record all of those in a book.  However, that day, I felt like he was telling me that the hurts caused by people as well as the self-inflicted wounds and the sheer exhaustion from trying were all processed by him as legitimate wounds.  He knew what I needed from him, but he began to show me that there wasn’t anything that I could do to get it, or to earn it.  He knew the effort I had given, And he knew exactly what it cost; He wasn’t requiring me to climb a mountain.

I think that I am mostly a practical thinker so I believe he speaks to me using mostly practical applications.  One evening while making dinner for the kids and I, Everett came into the kitchen a little confused.  He said that “they made the heart all wrong.”  I kind of brushed it off because I had no idea what he was talking about.  I sent Everett back into the living room to play with Amara so that I could finish dinner in peace.  However shortly after that a fight broke out between Everett and Amara that I had to break up.  Then much to my horror I saw that what I had thought was the local evening news was actually an open heart surgery being broadcast on the TV.  Then Everett said “look they didn’t make the heart right.”  Sure enough they weren’t holding a sweetheart.  Later that night I started to think about it.  First I laughed at how Everett’s only concern was the shape of the heart and not that he saw them cut and then split open a chest cavity or all of the blood dripping everywhere.  Then I felt like God started walking me through the process of an open heart surgery.  I once viewed a little bit of a knee replacement surgery; it was completely brutal, I felt like God started to bring that to my mind and then started to contrast that with a heart surgery.

He started by showing me how one has to prepare for the surgery.  There are times when the patient is just not strong enough to even attempt it.  There might be a significant amount of work that needs to be done by either you or health care professionals to get you into a healthy enough condition where you can even handle a surgery.  So you have to be in a state of relative health in order to even attempt one.  There are lots of tests that will determine whether or not a person can handle it, this takes a bit of time.  Now comes the painful part, cutting through the skin and muscle and then a separate tool to cut through the sternum and then yet another tool to split open the chest; ouch.   That part is messy, brutal and yes incredibly painful.     After that comes the delicate part; the mending of the heart.  This part takes time and concentration; it is very sensitive and delicate work.  After the heart is repaired one could imagine that everyone’s breath is held as the heart is shocked into starting again.  The relief that must be felt as its independent beat speaks of the success of the surgery.   Now it is time to put all of the pieces back together.  I imagine that there is a lot pulling and tugging to bring all of the bits and pieces back together where they belong.  I have worked with many patients after heart surgery and man, they are usually in a lot of pain.  They spend weeks gripping a pillow correctly shaped heart to their chest to guard against the pain that accompanies any movement.  The thing that God showed me at this point, was that although these patients are in a significant amount of pain for a significant amount of time; this pain is completely different from the pain that led to the need of the surgery.  The initial pain was a symptom that “something was wrong.”  This pain provided the evidence of illness and damage for which the remedy required the surgery.  That initial pain is no longer there.  Now it is just the incision and the chest that hurts.  Yes, the incision from the surgery will leave quite the scar; but, the scar and the pain left from the surgery now serves as the evidence and the reminder that you have been healed. 

                Up until very recently there was nothing that connected these concepts for me.  Yes, I felt like they were profound and definitely thought provoking, but there was nothing that anchored them to me.  I still felt lost and still felt just as compelled to keep all of my plates it the air. 

                It is amazing to me that now years later I have been given a complete sense of peace.  I have no hesitation at all in expressing the truth of this journey and the events that have lead up to it; neither do I feel that the physical, emotional or even spiritual outcomes of these events will in anyway diminish the miracle that was provided here.   I don’t feel weighted down by any shame or guilt. I have no compulsion to keep anything in the air.  I am not under any delusion that Greg and I are out of the storm; however, I do feel calm and have a peace about it.  I feel a freedom in Christ to share these things; there hasn’t been any awkwardness or embarrassment that has attached itself to me.  I have been able to share the events and the accompanying emotions just as they were given to me and have felt no compulsion to hide bits of the truth less I hurt someone’s feelings or embarrass myself.   This is freedom!

The years of hurt and pain leading up to this were simply evidence of my brokenness and damage.  I believe that my refusal to pretend (although at times it manifested itself in disobedience) made it easier to identify and made my heart more accessible.  I believe four years ago the surgery started.  I met my mentor who was preparing me by speaking truth into my brokenness.  This was strengthening me for the surgery.   I remember the first major cut into my flesh was Christmas.  It was a pain like I had never experienced before.  I believe that the times He spoke to me were the times when he was delicately and tenderly handling my heart.  He restarted it during our move. Although it beat weakly it still spoke of a change.  The recent pain experienced by Greg’s original prognosis was the tugging of the sutures as God was pulling the bits of flesh together.  Now I only have healing pains, that yes hurt incredibly at times, but these pains now speak of my healing and no longer of that brokenness.   I spoke of C. S. Lewis before and I wonder if this is how it felt when, that which you know becomes that which you believe?   (Then one day while out for a ride, it happened.  What you ask?    He understood something that he never had understood before.  God!)

  Over the last several days I have watched Greg gradually sink back to where he had started and I began to feel discouraged.  At first I thought that he was getting nervous about the surgery.  Greg’s surgeon has published an amazing amount of articles on exactly what Greg has.  While reading them, Greg discovered that some of his symptoms might take as long as a year to dissipate or, worst yet, it is possible that they will be permanent.  I thought this might be the reason Greg started to withdraw.  Or maybe the fact that some of the phone calls, explaining Greg’s condition and our current circumstances, went a bit rough.  Greg takes things like that really hard, but even that didn’t seem to explain what was going on. 

Finally I got a little rough with him and I demanded why he had pulled away when I felt like we were making so much progress.  His last post will explain his current state of mind.  I see him asking my same questions on whether or not God cares or if he will be adequate enough for him.  I began getting angry with God.  I thought He meant to fix us but instead, Greg was falling behind.  It felt like a trick, I was tired of doing all of the work, but it looked like once again I was going to have to.  This is when that movie quote came to me, “It’s always gonna be something with you isn’t it Joe.”  I began to realize that I had nothing to do with Greg’s diagnosis, his Doctor, his job or even the peace that was being extended to me now; so why did I think that I was going to be the healer for Greg and why did I doubt God’s capability to give Greg the same peace in his time.  In one night’s time Greg for the first time dropped some of his walls and started to examine the ruins that they had protected.  This is the first step and it was a painful step for him, but God is faithful and I believe him to be more than adequate.  I read Greg’s post in awe; I have been waiting for this for ten years.  Greg and I were finally able to openly and honestly communicate together with both of our defenses down.

There is a scene in Joe vs. the volcano when Joe is witnessing a full moon rise on the ocean.  Joe is terribly sleep deprived and severally dehydrated but, when he sees the moon begin to rise, he struggles repeatedly, trying to get to his feet.  Although he can barely stand he begins to raise his arms up towards the rising moon in a state of awe he says “dear God, whose name I do not know, thank you for my life.  I forgotten how BIG…thank you… thank you for my life, thank you for my life.” 

Our journey is far from over and I know enough now that Greg’s surgery on the 11^th isn’t our finish line.  But I have witnessed how Big God is and I am just so thankful for this time in our lives.

The Truth

                Before this event occurred, my life was in shambles.  I was not honest with myself or with other people around me.  Since I do not know what will happen to me in the near future, I should have nothing holding me back from telling the truth now. Of course, this is not the case.  For God knows how long I have put on different masks for people to show them that I am an okay person, when deep down I have been ashamed of who I am.  I hide so many hurts that I fear if I show them to the world, I will repulse everyone around me and I will be alone.  I was raised to know God and I believe He is in my life, but I also believe that even He is horrified by the real me.  I am ashamed of myself and am really struggling to even write this.  I am not deeply knowledgeable of the Scripture but one thing keeps tugging at my heart and that is “bring the darkness into the Light.”  I don’t know where to begin, but I will try to give you a summary of how I am feeling now.

                After this brain tumor was discovered in my head, I was saddened that I may not be around to watch my kids grow; I was however more at peace with the fact that God finally saw who I am and that I was going to get the punishment that I knew I deserved.  My wife and kids could be free of my selfishness and pride.  I have only lived for myself.   I have only cared for how I felt, for this reason I put on a mask for everyone and let no one see who I really am or how I really feel.  I am not even capable of letting my own wife see or know me.  So many mentors have come and gone in my life because I could not be honest with them, how could I, when I couldn’t even be honest with myself.  They had no real choice but to give up on the man who refused to help himself.  After I realized I may not have much time left, I started to open up to my wife.  We felt like maybe things could get better between us and in fact they did.  She has extended grace so many times to start over with me, but I have refused to be real with her. Another mask and another layer added to cover up my deep hurts and my insecurities.  It angers me when I think about the time I have wasted and how much I have hurt her heart.  This was my chance to free her and allow her peace.  God had other plans though.  None of which I wanted.

                After we saw the neurosurgeon, we had wonderful news; God had provided for us and would give us more time.  The tumor was operable and not cancerous.  It should have been a time to celebrate. It was for my wife but not for me.  I was going to live.  My heart actually sank.  I was not getting the punishment I thought I deserved. To elaborate, I felt that this was my payment for a life of selfishness, sin, and self-loathing. When I found out that the payment was cancelled, I felt that uneasiness with myself again because I was back where I started; trying to figure out how to pay for this.  Peace for Abigail was now being denied.  I am sure you are thinking what an awful man I am, but at least I am being honest for once in my life.  I am struggling to share this with you and fighting the desire to put on a smile and tell you how relieved I am to be saved by God.  My “rational” thinking has always led me to believe that there are consequences for actions; so there must also be a punishment for mine.  When this punishment keeps escaping me, I am left wondering when it will come so my heart can be at ease.  Self-loathing is the way Satan keeps me in his pocket.  He also keeps me busy with tasks to prove my penance for my transgressions and my attempts to wipe the slate clean.  The present situation has shown me I have no more time to hide, or to be dishonest even to myself, nor do I have the ability to clear my own debts.   I may end up alone after this is all said and done, but at least I will have the Truth and then maybe I can finally be healed from myself.  I did not think the gift given to us was meant for me.  It was for my wife and kids to enjoy the mercy that God provided.  I felt I was meant for more punishment; but God was giving me an opportunity to be open and honest.  I didn’t see that though.  I went back to the shame and hurt while hiding it under a smile and telling everyone how wonderful God was.  But my wife started to see through it.  She has seen it all before and had the decency to call me out on my lies.  She had enough and wanted more.  She had extended grace and wanted some return on the promises I gave her.  It made me open my eyes to see that I was choosing to be apart from God and choosing to wallow in self-pity and hate.  I truly hate myself at this point.  I should be thankful that God spared me, but I am trying to pull back old scabs and see into these now open wounds to see the truth of who I truly am and I hate who I have found.  I have lied to myself for so long that now I either believe the lie that “I am not that bad” or I stay put in this Hell because I feel I deserve to be punished for the willful disregard for God’s truth, light and his Laws.  Right now I don’t know which one is worse but I am now choosing to be open with you and finally be honest with myself.

                This maybe more than what people want to hear or you may think that I am in self-abuse mode, but I feel like I am at least being truthful for once in my life; seeing who I really am and finally letting other people see that to.  I am broken.  At first, I wanted this to be some spiritual letter that would reach people and help them avoid my same pitfalls, but my helpmate made me see the truth.  I cannot help others if I refuse to be truthful with myself and with everyone around me.  I cannot let God in if I am putting on a mask and trying to hide my true self from Him.  I know he knows the truth of my heart and that he sees it clearer then I am capable of and I know this to be the only way to be healed.  I am not sure how this is all going to end but I want to share with you my TRUE feelings and thoughts.  I am grateful for all of the people praying for my family and me; how everyone has extended themselves to us.  I want to extend myself to you and let you into this process so that maybe when this trial passes, I will be healed physically and spiritually and the wounds on my inside will disappear.

                I will continue to view my wounds and brokenness in the light.  I ask for your prayers and patience in this time.  I do not know when I will add to this blog, but I know that I want God to lead me in it.  I will be pleased to share the revelations that I pray He provides to me even though at times I fear they will be painful, I will try to speak the truth and not let my masks hide how I am truly feeling.  I don’t want my self-preservation to keep me from revealing what is being shown to me or to prevent me from opening up to you. 

 

 

Just a couple tidbits

 

                Greg and I started Tuesday night telling our families and friends.  We have just been overwhelmed by the love and well wishes that we have received from all of you.  Thank you all so very much.  In times like these I know that it is difficult to feel helpless.  Everyone wants and feels very much the need to do something to help.  I know it is crazy making to be told please just Pray.  Greg and I have a real peace right now with our current situation.  Since Monday I haven’t felt the need to go over all of my “what ifs;” I really feel like we have been cared for and I really feel like we will continue to be provided for.  Having gone through what I have this last week I am convinced that praying is actually the only thing that I or anyone else can do.  Do your best not to busy yourselves on our behalf.  I will just ask that when we are brought to your mind that you stop for a moment to pray.  Maybe write a few words in the comments or jot an email.  Greg is continuing to work for right now so it is difficult for him to take calls, but feel free to call me if you feel lead to do so.

            Here are a few specifics to pray for. 

1.        That we don’t lose sight of what was just shown to us.   Please pray that we don’t go back to our old way of thinking, planning or worrying about these last, and in comparison very small details.  That we don’t walk ahead in our minds to things that we have no control over.

 

-          We feel very much like God provided this huge miracle for us, please pray that we don’t lose the feeling of awe that we had on Monday night.  He provided a miracle not just with providing this particular Doctor, or even the confirmation of the diagnosis by a friend; but also with our moving here to begin with.  With the sale of our house that only took one month without a realtor.  That we didn’t jump right in to the purchase of another home here.  We now have immediate access to that money left over from the sale of our home in Iowa.  That we found an apartment that has zero maintenance for us. (I mean zero!!  They take our trash out every night, they change our like bulbs, and if we needed it there is even a cleaning service, really the list just goes on and on.)  He also provided us with family here like our friends Doug and Christi and my Aunt Jen and my Cousin Bryan.  The surgeon is able to get Greg in much sooner than we had originally thought.  Greg’s work is not going to penalize him for breaking contract.  Really detail after detail we have witnessed get pulled together and worked out.  Even still we unfortunately saw over the last few days how easy it is to be sucked back into the crazy.  Right now I don’t think I can handle anymore crazy!

 

2.       For all of our health. 

-          We were told to treat Greg as though he is immunocompromised.  So it is very important that we all stay in good health.  We are also to make sure that Greg gets plenty of sleep and plenty to eat.  He had lost several pounds over the last few months.  Under normal circumstances we would consider him to be at a great weight.  However, in light of our present circumstances it would be nice if he had a little more reserve.   Most importantly we need to keep the stress level down.  This one has been particularly hard over the last several days.  It is easy to see if the stress is out of hand then Greg won’t be sleeping or eating the way we need him to be and then his health will likely suffer. It is only natural that people will go through the same process of fear, grief, anger and an overwhelming sense of helplessness just as we did.  It is difficult for both Greg and I not to take other peoples fear, stress, grief or anger on ourselves.  It is so hard when you see someone you love going through such intense feelings of pain and not sit with them in it.  However if someone would have intervened in Greg and I’s journey I feel very much that we would have lost the blessing that was meant for us.  We found at the end of last week’s journey a most precious gift awaiting us, Peace.  To have presents of mind and a peaceful heart in the middle of this storm has been nothing short of miraculous.   

 

3.       That we allow ourselves and that others allow us to make decisions that best care for our family.  

-          This one is really tricky.  We desperately don’t want anyone to hurt or to feel hurt by us in the coming days; however we have come to realize that protecting others feeling may come at a cost to our own needs.  Neither of us knows how to proceed.  We don’t know how to nor do we feel comfortable drawing lines.  Monday night Greg and I just sat in awe as we looked at where we had been to where we are now.  In a month we started to develop as a family; and in a matter of days we have developed into a team, and a united front.   Something for years I have prayed and longed for.  I feel determined to fight for our family’s needs, but I crumble as I imagine the pain and wounds that will accompany those decisions.  Please pray for wisdom and sensitivity, also clear answers as we navigate through this particular field.

 

4.       Pray for both of our Families

-          As you can imagine they are going through a lot.  Please keep them in your prayers and if you have a chance to interact with them directly please take the time to encourage them. 

 

5.       Our children

-          We feel very strongly the need to shield our children from all of this.  We want this to be a happy time for them, and we want them to feel safe during this whole process.  Please pray that God keeps them sheltered.  Everett especially; he has a very tender heart like Greg.  He hears and sees everything and then tends to take them on himself.   Please pray that we can continue to shelter them from not only our anxiety, but also others.  Also we want to create good memories during this time before the surgery.  Please pray that Greg will physically know his limits.  My friend Christi gave Greg and I tickets to the diamondbacks game tomorrow night.  I know the kids will just have a blast, but I fear that Greg won’t tell me when he meets his limit.  Everett is on fall break from the 30^th to the 16^th so we want to fill this time with adventures and really just enjoy life with our new found family.  Pray that we will find things to build up our family that won’t also wear down Greg.

 

6.        Greg’s work

-          Greg continues to work and this makes me a little nervous.  I want him to pace himself and conserve his energy.  However this is something that he wants to do until he is told not to.  All of his Dr.’s have cleared him to work and drive, also his employer is aware of his condition.  I however got concerned when he returned home last night tired and clearly in a lot of pain.  Please pray that Greg will have the strength to continue to work if that is what he feels led to do. 

 

7.       That I will have the ability to ask for help if and when that time comes.

-          I know this will be a hard thing for me to do.  I hate being needy and have tried my whole life to not be the one in need.  I am now recognizing this as a bit of selfishness and pride that I need to be healed from.   I do believe that now with there being such an intense work being done on and in me and also being currently surrounded by so much love and support that I will feel safe in both the asking and in the receiving of aide.  I know again people feel the need to do, or provide us with something.  Let me now again assure you that all of our needs and wants are currently being met.  Although tired and sore, Greg has been able to work and also enjoy time with the kids and I.  I have felt so peaceful about the whole thing that I have been able to continue our normal household routine.  I feel emotionally and physically capable of caring for the house, kids and Greg when he needs it.  I feel comfortable receiving phone calls and answering any questions and have actually had fun catching up with my parents, sibling’s, family and friends. 

 

I am really doing well with not looking into the future; I am sure things will continue to come up, but I believe that I will receive the grace and help to handle it at that time.  If you still find yourself pressed to do something having meals during and after the surgery would be welcome.  Also mail for the kids would be wonderful.  They love getting letters and Everett is now an amazing little reader.  They both love stickers and crafts.  My dad will be staying with them at our apartment and I will stay at the hospital with Greg.  Our desire is to keep the kids and what is happening with Greg completely separate so receiving mail and little projects for them to do with Grandpa would be amazing.

  One more thing if someone is up for a challenge.  Both Greg and I have been craving Java Creeks Chicken Tortilla soup.  In the past I have been able to just buy the frozen product from them.  It is a frozen bag of soup packaged in a little box.  My mom tried to buy one from them the other day and they refused.  I was hoping to find out what companies makes the soup so I can order it here.  Those of you who have known me for any length of time know that the conversation will eventually always loop back to food.  I of course didn’t want to disappoint.

Thank you again for all of your continued prayers

Written Late September 24^th

 

Sunday night was difficult for both Greg and I.  We tried to joke a bit about what our future was going to look like.  I threatened him with the nursing home if he developed c-diff.  He really wanted a handicap plaque for the car.  I have been pouring over our insurance book to see what we can expect them to cover.  No MRI’s however they will cover the cost of some wigs.  So we joked about all of the different possibilities there, I thought mullet, he wanted a reverse Mohawk.  Everett was doing his homework at the table and asked me how to spell something and I almost cried, but I decided to laugh instead.  Greg is the speller in our family most of the words I come up with even spell check doesn’t offer any suggestions for. Who will help our poor kids?  We both looked through the pictures in our camera that had been taken over the last few months.  Everett looks more and more like Greg and Amara is just funny.  She has started to do this new thing where she takes one arm out of her shirt sleeve and walks around with her little high heels and one shoulder exposed.  I don’t know where she got from, but it scares us both. 

We both have been trying to write a bit about this experience. I think it is helpful for both of us emotionally whatever the outcome and it is also I thing going to be easier to keep this updated then it would be to keep everyone up to speed individually.  Like I said Greg has been writing too although right now he has found it easier to write with pen and paper.  Either I or he will work on getting his typed out in the near future. 

 We finally came to a decision Sunday night that whatever the outcome was on Monday, that night would be just for us.  We didn’t really want to be on the phone with either family or friends:  that time would come.  Right now we needed to lean on each other and grow as a family.  You see when Greg and I met I was very close to my siblings actually maybe a little bit more close to my nieces and nephews whom I loved and still love very, very dearly (remember guys I am your favorite aunt Abie).  Greg and his family were also quite close.  Neither Greg nor I understood that we needed to separate our relationship from all others, or maybe we just didn’t know how to.  When we went out, we almost always went out with a family member.  Any free weekend was spent with one of our families. All of our holidays, birthdays and anniversaries were shared with others.  When we went out of town, everybody knew and everybody called.  This is not necessarily a bad problem; but because we did not recognize the importance of OUR relationship, our family unit was lost, or maybe it had never really developed to begin with.  Over the last few years this situation has been the seed of much stress and frustration between the both of us. But not knowing how to fix it, or even what to fix, we just continued on perpetuating the situation even further.

So it has been amazing that now after being together ten years, eight of those spent in marriage, we are only now getting to know each other.  The other night Everett said something so funny.  We arrived home after a very busy day of appointments and I had started to cry.  Greg proceeded to lean over and give me a much-needed hug, for the both of us really.  Everett was quite bewildered by what he saw happening:  One, I am not entirely sure he has ever seen me cry and two; he didn’t understand what Greg was doing.  “What are you doing?” he asked Greg.  I said “dad is just giving me a hug.”  “But Why?” “Because Everett, I’m a little sad today and sometimes I just need a hug.”  Still not understanding it, he shrugged his shoulders and climbed out of the car.  Amara who thinks she is the authority of everything said “It’s married Everett.”

Again, many good things have come out of our move.  It is true, all of this, happening so far away from everything that is familiar, is hard.  We feel completely out of control and totally at the mercy of everyone around us.  But at the same time, we are growing stronger in our relationship and the kids are witnessing love and vulnerability, really for the first time.  These are important things and it is a shame that it took this much time and this type of situation to break down our pride, not just with each other, but also with the world as a whole.  These are good things!  Looking at and taking note of the condition and inner workings of our hearts has been good and healing.  Having this chance to reconnect with my good friend Christi and her family has been healing and encouraging.  These are again very good things!  Things have been hard over the last few days, yes, but Greg and I have been so encouraged not only by our own individual growth; but the shared growth we see in our relationship and in our family unit. 

I now want to talk a little bit about my relationship with Christi.  She has played a huge role in my life (even though in truth I have had no contact with her for most of it) and I believe that she will play a huge role in my life and my family’s life in the years to come.

I met Christi very shortly after my fourth birthday.  She was in her very early twenties and newly married.  I was in the toddler nursery at Maranatha Bible Church in Cedar Rapids, Iowa watching my baby sister so that my parents could go to their class.  My dad thinks I liked being with the babies better than I did in my own class.  This is quite possible.  There were much fewer rules and almost no itinerary, so I could spend the majority of my time turning cartwheels.  I believe it was Christi and her husband Doug’s first week at our church; but somehow, she had found her way to the very same nursery I was in.  I found out recently it was because she had wanted to get involved and start serving in the church and has a great love and passion for kids. 

I remember quite clearly the first time I saw her; she was sitting in a child-sized chair at the activity table and I remember thinking, she was the most beautiful person I had ever seen.  I started showing off for her by turning cartwheels around the room, making my dress flop over my head.  During one of these flips, I think I tripped on my dress and fell over.  I think it was then that we first officially met; I believe she helped pick me up.  What is amazing is that I am not the only one that remembers that special meeting; Christi has told me for weeks that she remembers every moment down to what dress I wore. 

Why am I telling you about this particular friend you ask?  Because I think God revealed Himself to me through her actions while I was still a child.  I told you earlier, that it was at the age of four that I decided I needed to be strong and independent.  But for some reason, with Christi and with my grandma Doris, I never felt I needed or wanted to be either strong or independent; I was actually quite needy with them.  I felt a safety that allowed me to be needy when with them.  I don’t know why or how, but I fell instantly in love with Christi.  I use to claim her as my best friend and would be made fun of by kids my own age, but I never cared because I loved her and I felt loved by her.  She was always gentle and kind with me.  I don’t mean to say that everyone else was mean and harsh; it was just that things were quite different with Christi.  I felt like I was known by her.  You have no idea how significant that single thing is until you have experienced it.  To be known, truly known and then loved by someone is just everything.  And it has continued to be everything to me even now as I am “basically” an adult.

 Let me explain something to you.  I am the sixth of seven children.   Even at the age of 4 I was a people watcher.  I was very aware of all of the nonverbal expressions that followed my family.  I always felt like I was a bother.  I was always scared that I would be the one to tip the scale.  I always felt like I was the straw that would break the camel’s back; I tried so desperately to just not need anything from anyone.  I tried to always be on the right side of things, but I’ll tell you when I found myself on the wrong side it was always devastating.  I remember it broke people.  I would stand there and watch the complete devastation my needy little hands caused and I would just die inside.  I would then be more determined than ever to do things myself, to not need anything or anybody; to always be aware of my surroundings and be prepared for everything; in my attempt to never be needy again. I don’t know why, but I never felt that way with Christi.  

I would have to ask Christi to be sure, but I think for about three years we did everything together.  Christi and Doug would drive from Iowa City every Sunday and spend the whole day and evening with my family.  We would do holiday’s together and on occasion Christi and Doug would let my siblings and I stay with them in Iowa City.  I will never forget one night in particular when I was staying with them at their place. I woke up suddenly and remember feeling just plain terrified.  I was sleeping in their guest room, I remember they had a clothing rack on one of the walls and it was casting scary shadows all about the room.  I remember feeling nearly paralyzed.  It was not abnormal for me to wake up frightened, I was often frightened at night, but what happened next was quite unusual.

 As I said before, I hated needing things and this included at times needing comfort.  Typically I would handle this type of situation by myself.  I would tuck my covers tight all around my body having only my head sticking out, that way I could keep an eye on my surroundings.  That night however I did something much different.  I mustered up every bit of courage I could and bolted into Christi’s room.  Then I had a bit of a dilemma, it was quite dark and I couldn’t tell which figure in the bed was Christi and which one was Doug.  Finally I made a spilt-second decision and I poked the person closest to me.  It wasn’t Christi, I started to cry and I said, “You’re not Christi!”  Christi woke up right away and came over to me.  I told both of them I was scared and then you will never believe what happened next.  Well, I will start by saying what they didn’t do.  What they didn’t do was give me a hug and kiss; they didn’t reassure me that I would be okay, they didn’t turn on the lights and look under the bed, they didn’t tuck me back in after a prayer, or even leave me with a night light on.  I am sure you are all now thinking that since they didn’t do any of those very normal and comforting things that they must have done something terrible.  Let me now reassure you that no, it wasn’t terrible at all; in fact what happened next, was I think the most significant moment in my life.  Being a wife (whose husband happens to have a brain tumor) and a mother of two I realize that statement sounds terrible, but please track with me.  They held me and kissed me, they turned on all of the lights, and Christi took me to the living room and let me sit on her lap.  Doug went to the kitchen and brought out a box of lucky charms and a box of doughnuts.  I then spent the whole rest of the night sandwiched between both Christi and Doug eating snacks and watching cartoons.  So, circling back, they didn’t say that everything would be okay; they made everything okay and I didn’t even have to ask for it.  They both did this out of the love in their hearts for me.  I think that happened when I was five and that has continued to be huge, I mean huge in my life. 

Monday morning I left Greg at home and I took both of the kids to Everett’s school early so that they could have time to play and Greg could take time to rest.  I was just barely holding on that morning; I knew that I was about to have all of my fears verbally confirmed by the specialists we were scheduled to see, and I didn’t know if I could handle it.  Again I just kept telling myself “be still there is a healer.”  Finally I was annoyed enough that I couldn’t remember the rest of the song so I looked it up on my phone.  The video version I pulled up was accompanied by all the verses saying, “Be still”.  I took them in as best I could and just tried to pull through. 

After I dropped Everett off at school I had to take the car to the shop.  It had been acting funny for a week, but was now getting to the point that I was scared that it would break down on me.  Again I felt overwhelmed I didn’t know if I could deal with one more thing.  Last Tuesday, before we had gotten any of the news on Greg, we had taken the car to a different shop and they had quoted us at over one thousand dollars.  We just couldn’t handle that right now, not with everything else.  Finally my mind started going crazy with all of the things that might happen that day and I couldn’t take it anymore.  I decided to turn on the radio to at least try to drown out my thoughts.  This is the song that played.

Hope sleeps without me
Her sweet dreams surround me,
But I'm left out
I'll need a fix now
To believe, to feel

These rooms are dark now
These halls are hollow,
And so am I
She is hard to find now
To believe
To see

Hope is what we crave, and that will never change
So I stand and wait
I need a drop of grace to carry me today,
A simple song to say
It's written on my soul:
Hope's what we crave

I won't turn to dust now
Let these tears rust now on my face
Give me the spark now
To believe
To see

Hope is what we crave, and that will never change
So I stand and wait
I need a drop of grace to carry me today,
A simple song to say
It's written on my soul:
Hope's what we crave

To live, to die,
To lose, to get,
To rise above
To love again

To live, to die,
To lose, to get,
To rise above
To love again

To love again

Hope is what we crave, and that will never change
So I stand and wait
I need a drop of grace to carry me today,
A simple song to say
Hope is what we crave
I need a drop of grace
It's written on my soul:
Hope's what we crave

It's written on my soul:
Hope's what we crave

Hope's what we crave

Hope's what I crave

I started to sob uncontrollably.  I hadn’t even ventured to hope during this process.  I didn’t know what there was to hope for.  I didn’t want to count on something that I knew wouldn’t or couldn’t happen.

After the car shop, Amara and I went to pick up Greg.  We all headed to the oncologist office.  Greg told me on the way that they had to reschedule their other patients that day so that they could fit Greg in.  This made me feel even more anxious and hopeless.  The oncologist was very nice.  She was very keen on getting a biopsy; something Greg and I didn’t think would be possible.  Either way, she said we needed to start radiation and chemo right away, five days a week starting next week. 

It is funny to say this, but I think we both left feeling a little relieved.  We both liked her and it felt good to have a plan set in motion even if the plan was going to stink. 

We next went to meet Christi she was going to watch Amara for the rest of the day and she would then pick Everett up from school so that we could meet with the neurosurgeon by ourselves. 

When we arrived at our next appointment they brought us back to the examination room almost right away.  We sat there for quite a while.  After a bit, I had to excuse myself to use the bathroom.  As I walked away I could see that there was a little crowd around what I believe where Greg’s MRI images.  I could hear them whisper back and forth and my stomach just dropped, none of it sounded good.  I went back to Greg and made a little joke about the condition of their bathrooms.  I told him “if this was a restaurant we would need to leave.”  He laughed a little bit.  Finally the Doctor came in and introduced himself.  He proceeded to tell us they had all been looking at the images for a while.  He told us he believed he could say quite confidently that the tumor is benign.  He believes that the tumor is a Cavernous Malformation. 

 (A cavernoma or cavernous malformation is a vascular abnormality of the central nervous system. It consists of a cluster of abnormal, dilated vessels. Pathologically, it is red to purple in colour, appearing as a raspberry. Cavernomas contain blood products at various stages of evolution and are usually less than 3 centimeters in size.)

The Doctor said the reason all of these symptoms came on so suddenly is because his had begun to bleed.  He said that it appears for now that the bleeding has stopped however once they bleed for the first time it is likely to do it again.  He said that we had two options we could watch it for a month or we could operate.  Again we were reminded of the risk that accompanies an operation on the brainstem.  He asked for our permission to pull in a colleague who does more surgeries on the brainstem than him (he also happened to be the head of the department).  We of course gave our permission and then returned to the waiting room to wait for this colleague to have an opening in his schedule.  While waiting we met a young lady who was going to have her second craniotomy.  She and her family had traveled from Minnesota where they had been told that she was inoperable. However, she had been given the green light from this office which is where they had come a year ago for her first craniotomy.

At this same moment Christi was driving to Everett’s school.  Amara had fallen asleep in the car so Christi turned on the radio softly and then began to cry.  Just as she turned it on, Steven Curtis Chapman’s “Cinderella” began to play.  Christi said she looked at Amara and then listened to the song and began to pray and pleaded with God to have Mercy.

After hours in the waiting room we finally got called into the next surgeon’s office.  Once again they ran Greg through a series of tests and asked him all of the same preliminary questions.  Doctor Castillo (a very nice young lady) who assists the head of the department told us what we could expect next.  She said that she had assisted Doctor Spetzler with this surgery several times and felt like he would give us good odds.  Very shortly after that Dr. Spetzler came in.  (He was a very nice middle aged gentleman.)  He said that he had also looked at Greg’s MRI and agreed that it was a Cavernous Malformation.  Unfortunately, this really meant nothing to either Greg or I; we didn’t know if this was better or worse than cancer.  I know that sounds funny; but the tumor, although benign, is on the brainstem.  With this diagnosis, the tools available to deal with the tumor were reduced to one, surgery.  From what we understood from them, neither radiation nor chemo would help.   

He said that he would be willing to do the surgery and that it needed to be done within six weeks.  He said that Greg’s symptoms might get a little bit better now that the bleeding had stopped, but reminded us that bleeding could start up again at anytime and that any bleeding in the brain causes permanent damage.   He said they would have to remove a portion of his skull behind his ear.  They usually replace it after the surgery.  He would then spend several days in the ICU and then there is a couple of different ways that it could go.  He said 50% of his patients are able to go home after a few days the other 50% needed a stay in a rehabilitation unit to build up strength.  Since it is an operation on Greg’s brainstem it carries all of the risks that you can imagine.  Some of the minor ones being: needing a tracheostomy tube for a period of time, needing a feeding tube for a period of time,  and possible sensation and strength deficits in his extremities, just to name a few.

Greg and I left the Doctor’s office just exhausted.  We started to mull over all of the new news we had just received.    We felt relieved that it wasn’t cancer like we had originally thought.  We were also very relieved that we had found someone willing to surgically remove it.  I felt like we had just been spared; but still, it looked like our immediate future was this huge mountain that still needed to be climbed and then…, who knew what would be on the other side.  Greg was mostly quiet on our way to the car.  He also agreed that we had definitely been spared from the death sentence which we both thought was going to be ours.  And we tried our best to really grasp what had just happen and we decided to just thank God.

As we arrived at the car Greg’s phone beeped saying that he had missed a call; it was our Doctor friend from Iowa so I had him call before I started the drive to meet Christi.  The Doctor answered right away and I could hear her voice on the other end tell Greg authoritatively “Greg sit down, I have something to tell you.”  He told her “alright I’m sitting.”  She said “Greg I have something to tell you, you are going to live!”  After that there was a bit of a break.  She then continued to say that she and the neurosurgeon had brought in a radiologist and that together they looked at Greg’s MRI and were able to conclude that it was a Cavernous Malformation.  She said that it would have to be removed because you could see that it had been growing and also bleeding.  Again she went over that it is in a bad location, but told us the neurosurgeon in Iowa had given her a name of a neurosurgeon in Arizona.  Our doctor friend then became quite insistent that we write down the name right way because this was the one that MUST do the surgery.  Greg scrambled to find a piece of paper and a pen and then said “okay I’m ready.”

What Happened next is without a doubt one of those God moments that was meant for just us!

She said “Doctor Robert Spetzler.”  Greg just stopped.  There was now a long pause and he said “you will never believe it, that is the surgeon that we just saw and he came up with the same diagnosis.”  I could hear the Dr. on the phone tell Greg that she was shaking and then she said something like “there must be a God.”  Later that night she would tell Greg that after the three of them (herself, the neurosurgeon and the radiologist) came up with their diagnostic conclusion, she started screaming and jumping.  It was a miracle.  Without a doubt, this was a miracle.

We drove to meet Christi and I excitedly opened her door and told her first that it wasn’t cancer, and then second that it could be operated on and removed.  She started crying right away and then began to thanking God.  I grabbed her and told her I wasn’t done yet there was more.  We then proceeded to tell her about the phone call we had just had.  We all agreed it was simply and completely nothing short of miraculous.  THANK YOU GOD!!!!!

We took the kids out for sushi for a celebratory dinner.  We had gone to this same restaurant a year ago while visiting the phoenix area.  The kids had been begging since moving here to go back, but we were saving it for something special.  Last December we had gone there to celebrate Greg’s birthday this time we went to celebrate his life, his life given that night in abundance.

After putting the kids to sleep that night Greg sat on the couch and began to Google both his new diagnosis and also This Dr. Spetzler.  I am just going to encourage all of you to do the same.  He is not just the best in the area, but he is actually the best in the nation.

I sat down next to him and began to relay to him what had happened to me that morning.  I had him listen to the song, “Hope is what we Crave” by the group for King and Country.  I then had him watch and listen to the music video I found earlier that morning.  I began to tear-up as I saw the verses displayed on the video and I began to see how perfectly God had orchestrated this whole thing.  These were the verses:

Hebrews 11:1 Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.

Luke 1:37 For with God nothing is ever impossible and no word from God shall be without power or impossible of fulfillment.

2^nd Chronicles 15:7 But you must remain strong and not become discouraged.  Your actions will be rewarded.

Psalms 46:10 He says, Be Still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.

Exodus 14:14 The Lord is fighting for you! So be still!

After reading these again my heart clung to them as though it was all part of a love letter written just for me.  It felt like what was described in Luke chapter 2 verse 19 “But Mary treasured up all of these things and pondered them in her heart”.   I began to think of that night that I spent snuggled up between Christi and Doug; I remembered how secure I felt and how assured I was of their intensions and their love for me.  This is exactly how I felt Monday night.  God gave what I didn’t know to ask for, (actually, couldn’t ask for); He knew and understood the condition and the limitations of my heart and soul.  He wrapped Himself around the whole situation and collected all of our tears and then showed Himself to be abundantly adequate for us.  He did more than tell me that it would be okay, He made it okay for me; just as He had when I was only a child.  God provided for both Greg and I so extravagantly that we can only in awe say, “Thank You.” 

As I shared the last details with Christi Tuesday morning we decided to mark our calendars for September the 23rd as a day of celebration.  She wrote “The day God rose Greg from the grave into life,” on her calendar and I wrote “The Day the Lord parted the Red Sea in our lives“ on mine.

We realized of course that our journey is not yet over.  There are still many hurdles left in our path.  However I no longer feel like they matter nor do I feel like their outcomes matter.  What matters is that I have found that the God that I before believed to be distant and indifferent was actually close and invested, what else is there for me to fear. 

Please continue to pray for Greg and our family in the coming days.  Pray for strength, guidance, good health and peace.  Please pray that the final details will fall into place.  The surgery date has been set for October 11th.  I will continue to keep people informed with any updates that we receive.

Also since Greg will have a bit of a hospital stay I thought about something fun anyone who wanted to could help with.  Our son Everett discovered Knock Knock Jokes this summer and that is about all that we have heard from him and now also from our daughter Amara.   We have spent many hours listening to Everett try to navigate his way through the humor of this particular type of joke and it has just been hilarious.  I thought that people could either send us written ones or recordings of their best Knock Knock Jokes.  I would then put them around his hospital room or show him the video or the recording.  It would be a fun way to get the kids involved and I think it will bring some much needed humor into this situation.