The Long Road

 

                So I will use the very clichéd phrase to start this entry. Every journey begins with the first step.  I had always thought and had presumed that others started theirs with green pastures and rose petals.  I felt like my first step was on rocks covered in nails.  I know it was needed though.  I struggle with seeing that everyone comes with sin and that mine is not any worse than anyone else’s.  I had to open the sutures and dig deep to see my issues that I had never wanted to see the light of day.  My hurts are still present, but God is giving me the ability to look at my past issues; to see what the real problem is and how to deal with them.  (I am sorry my thought process is a little scattered, remember I have a brain tumor.)  A sermon was brought to my attention from one of my wonderful sister-in-laws, this sermon best describes how I feel.  It’s called “TRUEFACED,” It talked about how you come to a fork in the road spiritually where you can go down one path which is called “Pleasing God” or the other one that is called “Trusting God.”  I am sitting at the fork now.  I have been down the “Pleasing God” path and came to the room where everyone there said, “I’m fine” there wasn’t any real deep thought or reflections that happened there.  Everyone there was “just fine.”  I was content there, but I wasn’t growing although I didn’t know it at the time.  I felt that I fit in there; it was much easier being “fixed” with other “fixed people.”  I have seen the trusting God room where everyone says “I am sinful and horrible” but God blesses them with grace and says that He wants them anyway.  I feel I am not ready for that room yet.  I think my sins are like a canyon keeping me from God.  I am slowly looking at those sins and giving them over to God.  It is a struggle everyday but I am becoming more open with Abigail and others and being honest with myself.  It’s not always easy but I know that the end goal is worth it.

                God is showing me new things every day, but my heart is still trying to hold back.  He gives me new situations that brings me out of my comfort zone and makes me hold onto Him.  I am appreciative but also scared of it; I am still waiting for the moment when I will let people down and then put my mask on again.  Recently, our car was having issues and I took it to the shop and found out it needed two expensive parts to fix the problem.  I actually found out the news about my abnormal spine MRI while I was at the auto shop.  So it was a double shot of bad news.  I was ill-equipped to deal with either of them.  Well, we have made it through the “braincloud” so far and God provided for us with the car now.  I took it to the shop today because I had the strong desire to make sure my family was safe and that the car would be reliable especially because I most likely wouldn’t be.  Instead of a $1000 repair, they fixed a single pipe for significantly less and guaranteed that upcoming repairs for the same problem would be free.  It was wonderful to see that God could give me the chance to step up and be the man for once and then also allow me to experience a success. I will admit that I was anxious the entire time and was afraid I would fail.  Satan was there at the same time that God was.  Satan was using his old tricks to discourage me; making me feel ashamed and unsure of myself.  I responded differently to this event though.  In the past, I would always look to others to verify my choice or worse, let them choose for me.  I almost called Abigail to ask if it was okay to get the car fixed.  I know it sounds silly, but I am always scared that I will fail or be found out to be a fraud.  I struggle with this every day and hope I can eventually see God’s plan to repair me because I continue to beat myself up over this stuff.  I am just holding on to God for dear life; I know that things will get much worse if I go back and revert to my old ways.  I was in one of those self-doubt and plain overwhelmed moods one morning while sitting in the parking lot.  I was trying to get the strength to get out and face the rest of the day.  A song played that spoke to me.  This song put words to the things that were on my heart; things that I wanted to say to God but didn’t know how to.  Sidewalk Prophets Song, “Help Me Find It”, was what I needed to calm me down and put words to what my heart felt.  Here are the lyrics.

 

 

I don’t know where to go from here

It all used to seem so clear

I’m finding I can’t do this on my own

 

I don’t know where to go from here

As long as I know that You are near

I’m done fighting

I’m finally letting go

 

I will trust in You

You’ve never failed before

I will trust in You

 

If there’s a road I should walk

Help me find it

If I need to be still

Give me peace for the moment

Whatever Your will

Whatever Your will

Can You help me find it

Can You help me find it

 

I’m giving You fear and You give faith

I’m giving You doubt

You gave me grace

For every step I’ve never been alone

 

Even when it hurts, You’ll have Your way

Even in the valley I will say

With every breath

You’ve never let me go

 

I will wait for You

You’ve never failed before

I will wait for You

 

If there’s a road I should walk

Help me find it

If I need to be still

Give me peace for the moment

Whatever Your will

Whatever Your will

Can You help me find it

Can You help me find it

 

I lift my empty hands (come fill me up again)

Have Your Way my King (I give my all to You)

I lift my eyes again (was blind but now I see)

‘Cause You are all I need

 

If there’s a road I should walk

Help me find it

If I need to be still

Give me peace for the moment

Whatever Your will

Whatever Your will

Can You help me find it

Can You help me find it

 

                I know that I am not all the way there; just “holding onto God,” but I believe I was put on this journey now so that I would finally stop and listen to God.   This song states what I am going through.  The things that have given me the false sense of comfort and security in the past are not working anymore.  I am trying to figure out where God wants me and I am struggling to just wait and listen.  I want to hear him when He tells me to be still.  Like the song, I want to be still when He wants me to be still and I want to walk when God tells me to walk.  That first step was a killer, but I feel it was what He wanted. Being honest about my position in life and then trusting that His grace will wash all of that away.  I am not completely giving in to that yet, but I desire so much that God holds onto me and pushes me further on this journey.   I want to be in the room of trusting God where I can be honest about my sins and that God will draw me closer to him and heal me.

                This week has been hard.  My symptoms are getting worse.  My dizziness gives me problems throughout the day and I have to use all my concentration to slow down and move slowly so I don’t increase the dizziness.  My right side feels so heavy in the morning and I have to sit in the shower longer and longer to attempt to loosen things up.  I had to stop working last Wednesday because I did not want to harm my patients; I am trying to know my limits.  Abigail has had to drive us around.  I get too dizzy to drive around town anymore.  I pray that the surgery will fix these issues and that I can resume my daily activities without any hindrances.  I am having trouble every day trusting that God will provide for us, I keep reading that these symptoms could persist for a year.  This worries me greatly, but I know God has gotten me this far and only He knows how I will get past this next step.  We had our pre-op visit this Wednesday and it was tedious and a little scary being this close to the surgery date; there were a lot of drawing labs and then getting the MRI to see how the surgeon will access my brain.  I did not get a lot of answers yesterday except that the hospital-stay was approved from my insurance; even though it is still pretty expensive.  I joke and say it will be an expensive haircut; I want to ask my world renowned surgeon to sign my skull so it will be worth some money.  I went home that night and googled the surgery.  There was actual a Youtube video of the surgery I will be having with my surgeon and it was somewhat scary but I know that I cannot worry about it and know that I am in good hands.

                I want to thank everyone for the cards, emails, and gift packages.  They have been a great comfort and blessing to my family.  It keeps my mind off the “what-ifs” and it makes me remember that I am surrounded by people who truly care about me.  This has been tough on my family yet these packages and letters have kept us upbeat and focusing on the positive things in this life and thankful for the people that God has placed around us.  I was so surprised when my new co-workers rallied together and gave my family a wonderful gift basket full of things to provide support and comfort during this stressful time.  It is amazing to see how God provides for us when we least expect it.  People may see these things as little, but they have made such an impact on me.  We could never have planned for an outcome as well as what God has done for us.  So many friends and family members from Iowa have sent us amazing letters and packages.  Abigail and my old co-workers from Iowa even sent us some knock-knock jokes to entertain Everett who is in love with these jokes.  All of this has served as a reminder to me of how loved we are.  I want to say how much we love and appreciate all of you. 

Thank you from my whole family.