Our Christmas card

 

 

                                                                 Merry Christmas
                                                                         And
                                               Welcome to our crazy Schlueter year!!!!

         Our crazy started last October when Greg and I first began toying with the idea of a big move. In November we started seriously looking around the country state by state to see which one would best meet our family’s needs. We wanted to be somewhere warm, but with little weather disruptions. We wanted it to be family friendly and also have plenty of job opportunities for Greg. It didn’t take long to identify Arizona as our ideal new home. Just to make sure, we thought that we should probably visit the state before we started to call it home. So last December Greg and I packed the kids up and we flew to Phoenix to see what we thought. We stayed for only five days, but during that time we drove around plenty and explored all of the different things that the valley had to offer. We went to several different towns and just fell in love with the area and we started to dream about all of the new opportunities that this move would provide for our family.
 
           We began preparing the house for the market and started sending Greg’s resume out right away. The next couple of months were a whirl wind; they were full of paint, power tools and paperwork. By February we had our check list half done and most everything else planned out so we decided to take a little break. My Grandpa’s 90th Birthday was in the beginning of April; it had been a goal of mine for the last year to be able to celebrate it with him.

           Early March we loaded up our minivan for a nearly three week adventure. First we drove to Nashville so that we could spend the day with my cousin Caitlin, her husband Libardo and their adorable son Ian. Then we were off to Atlanta to spend a week with my uncle Steve, aunt Ruth, cousins Lydia, Kendra and her husband Justin and their very cute daughter Elena and of course my grandpa Mike. We had a great time catching up with each other’s lives. I have always thought how funny it is that we cousins can immediately reacquaint ourselves with each other. It is as though time and distance haven’t separated us at all. We took a day to tour around Atlanta with my uncle; we went to the Atlanta zoo, Greg’s favorite “The Varsity” and my favorite attraction, the Atlanta Aquarium. Of course, the highlight was getting to watch my Grandpa blow out his birthday candles. Much to our surprise his birthday wish was to make it for 10 more years.

          On our way out of Atlanta we stopped at the White House and Atlanta Underground which Everett thought was just amazing. He had just listened to C.S. Lewis’s book the Silver Chair on our car ride out. In that book one of the main characters Jill Pole had to remember 4 steps: first, find an old friend (Everett couldn’t think of anyone older than his great grandpa Mike, that would be check 1), second, go to the ruins of the ancient giants (the kids had never seen skyscrapers before. Everett felt for sure this must be the city of the giants; check 2), third, find writing on the stone and do what it says (We found a sign for Atlanta Underground which was close enough to the “under me” that Jill Pole found; Check 3), fourth, find the lost Prince (we found a bronzed statue of I don’t know who. Everett concluded that since he (the prince) was already turned to stone it was a lost cause so we left; that was check 4). Everett got so caught up in the excitement of Narnia coming to life that he talked about it for months. Last we surprised Amara by stopping by a mall in Atlanta that had an American Girl doll store. We got both Everett and Amara all dressed up and had high tea with Amara’s American girl doll knock off Allie from Target.

              Our next destination was Charleston, South Carolina. We were there just under a week. It had been a dream of mine for years to go back to Charleston a place that had been pure magic to me as a child. I was elated to see the kids react to it the same way I had. We took two horse drawn carriage rides through downtown Charleston and got to hear all about the town’s history. We took a ferry to Fort Sumter and Everett got to see real cannons and real holes in the brick walls from the cannon balls. We took the kids to try the local cuisine of shrimp and grits with crab legs and then to an oyster bar to eat fresh raw oysters and steamed mussels. To our surprise, the kids slurped them right up. Our last adventure was going to the beach at the Isle of the Palms; this was the same beach I had gone to years before. This was our kid’s first experience with the ocean and they loved every minute of it. It was a cold and rainy day, but nothing could keep the kids from having a real beach experience. The kids jumped in and out of the chilly waves and wiggled their toes in the sand. They built little sand cities and decorated the buildings with broken bits of sea shells. We spent the rest of the day wandering around the market place. The whole trip was pure Magic.

            Our last destination was Corbin, Kentucky. We had rented a little cabin for two days at the Cumberland falls State park. My goal was to see the moon bow. Cumberland falls has the only moon bow in the western hemisphere. If you go to the falls during a full moon you can see a rainbow in a complete sphere encircling the falls. I have been to this park nearly a dozen times and have never seen the moon bow. I had specifically planned the last part of our trip to coincide with a full moon. Well it ended up snowing that night so once again it eluded me. We still decided to take the kids out that night to the falls so they could see where the bow should have been.

            When we got back to Iowa we had to get straight to business. Job offers began to come in for Greg and it was decision making time. Greg finally decided on a travel agency that would focus on keeping him in the Phoenix area. We felt that this way Greg would get to experience several different hospitals and clinics and then would be able to make a more informed decision when it came to getting a more permanent job.

            Greg left in May to begin work in Phoenix; my aunt Jenifer had very graciously opened her home to Greg. On Greg’s days off aunt Jen would drive him around the valley in search of a place for the kids and me. Meanwhile I was finishing the renovations on our home in Iowa so that I could get it on the market. Everett had to finish out the school year and the kids and I both wanted to enjoy our last summer in Iowa; the only home that any of us had ever known. We explored a couple of farmers markets and said good bye to some of the parks we had frequented in the past. The kids got to spend lots of time with their cousins and both sets of grandparents. I was able to work a little at the hospital where Greg and I had worked at for over 10 years now; it is also the place where we met. It was fun to be able to see all of my work family, but it was hard to say good bye. To my surprise I finally finished the home and successfully sold it before we left. Two days before the kids and I left, Everett went to beginner’s camp at East Iowa Bible Camp. My dad, Amara and I picked Everett up from camp and then started the first leg of our trip. We spent the first night with my Sister Johanna and her family in southern Iowa and then traveled on to Colorado Springs to my sister Lauren and her family’s place to spend that night and the whole next day. Finally on August the 3rd we pulled up to our new home in Chandler Arizona.

            This is actually where things start getting a little hairy. Two weeks after arriving in Arizona Greg started to feel a little dizzy. His symptoms quickly progressed to numbness on the right side of his body. After a matter of weeks an MRI was taken and revealed a tumor on his brain stem. I will not go into too many details with this because in September I started a blog in attempts to keep people informed; at the end of this I will put the link to that blog. The MRI was taken on September 18th; Greg had surgery to remove it on October the 11th, he was released from the hospital on October the 30th. Although this has been the hardest and scariest expectance of my life, it has also been a time of beautiful growth for all of us. I feel like Charles Dickens in A Tale of two Cities; “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” The ripples that this experience threw at our lives will be felt for many years to come. Greg continues to struggle with things that we once thought of as simple, and as a family we have had to examine every aspect of our lives; all things that we once took for granted.

            The move to Arizona at first was hard for many of our friends and family. It was hard to explain why this was a good move for us. In many ways we still didn’t know if it was the best decision. We found out after Greg’s surgery that the only surgeon that would have been able to operate on Greg was the surgeon that we ended up with in Phoenix’s St. Joseph’s hospital. He most likely would not have made it another couple of weeks as his tumor grew from 2mm to 14mm in the three short weeks that separated his initial MRI from his surgery. Last Christmas we had no idea that the best opportunity that this move to Arizona would offer our family was the ability to make it to Greg’s 35th Birthday. Yes this move was big, but in so many ways it was the best decision that either of us have ever made.

            Everett is 6 and is now in first grade. His seventh birthday will be February 22nd. Both Greg and I loved Everett’s kindergarten teacher in Iowa, I admit I was scared not knowing what the schools would be like here. It ended up that I had nothing to fear; Everett’s school here in Chandler has been wonderful and his teacher is absolutely lovely. Everett is my little social butterfly; he can make friends with anyone, lucky he found several really good friends quickly. He continues to love to read and learn. He also really loves to paint and draw. His very active imagination leads to hundreds of questions a day which he just loves to ask (usually more than he likes listening to the answers). Since I have been the primary question answerer for years I have now deemed it “good therapy” for Greg.

           Amara is four her fifth birthday is April 22nd.  She is a little spit fire. She has lots to say, but is very particular with whom she wants to share it with. Her “friends” are usually imaginary, my adult friends or sometimes she will cling to one of Everett’s friends. She loves everything pretty and girly. Her most favorite activity is “dress upping” she asks to do this all day every day. Being new and not knowing the school systems very well we decided to do her preschool at home. Amara has a very independent personality, getting her to conform to school and learning standards can be challenging to say the least. Why say the ABC’s in order if it sounds prettier to say them out of order. Since Greg’s surgery, I have decided that Amara’s schooling is also “good therapy.” Her latest play has required her to change her name. She is now to be referred to as Queen Elsa. Her goal is to be an ice princess (I have laughed a lot about that goal); her royal subject Everett is to do her every bidding.

           Greg and I had bought plane tickets early this summer to fly back to Iowa in early November. This of course was before we knew anything about Greg’s tumor. At first we tried to get out of the plane tickets, but then we decided it might be nice to see friends and family after everything we had been through. St. Luke’s Hospital in Cedar Rapids allowed me to pick up hours (I was incredibly grateful for the opportunity). Our old Coworkers and friends also worked Greg into their schedule, so he was able to receive outpatient therapy while we were there.

             Greg and I have been struggling to create a new normal now that we are back in Arizona. We soon hope to make some sort of daily routine, right now every day is different with all new challenges. Our only real constants are Everett’s school and church. Greg’s outpatient therapy is set for three times a week, but the days and times of those appointments are all over the place; the rest of the crazy that comes in daily just has to take a number. We will be back in Iowa for the holidays; I will be able to pick up hours at the hospital once again. After Iowa we are hoping that Greg will be cleared to be left alone and then I will begin to work here in Chandler, probably nights for now. It’s true none of this has been easy, but through all of it we have been so taken care of and surrounded in love and prayers. This experience has opened our eyes to so many different things; the one thing that both Greg and I reflect on often is that our family will in time get over this hurdle; there are many families who never do. We hope that this experience forever changes how we do our work and how we care for our patients.

             I hope that this finds all of you happy, warm and in good health. As Greg and I address all of these cards, we have taken time to think about each of you. We have been able to reflect on all of the many ways that our family has been blessed by you, thank you. I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and that each day of your New Year is filled with hope and blessings.

                          Love,
                          Greg, Abigail, Everett and Amara

           The picture on the card was taken two weeks ago at “Snow and Santa Day;” it was at a park just a mile from our apartment. Greg’s Recreational Therapist from St. Joseph’s hospital told us about it, we were able to meet him and his family there. The kids had a blast in the nearly 70 degree weather sledding, throwing snow balls and playing king of the mountain; afterwards we took them home and let them swim for a while since they already had their swim suits on. They have been so protected during this whole process, I’m positive they will look back at this time as one of the best years of their lives. That in its self is a miracle.

Both Greg and I have received several phone calls and e-mails wondering how we are doing.  I realize I have left people in the lurch, I am sure people are concerned with how Greg is getting along; let me assure you that wasn’t my intention.  I have tried now for about six weeks to update this site.  As you can imagine there have been a lot of changes that have taken place in our little family.  First I blamed not updating this on being too busy.  Greg wasn’t released from the hospital till the 30^th of October, just shy of a three week hospitalization this made my daily routine with Greg and the kids a little challenging and wanting for time.  Then it was preparing the apartment for Greg coming home.   After that it was adjusting to Greg actually being home and trying to get the kids to understand his new physical limitations.  After just one short week of being home I had to get all of us ready for traveling back to Iowa.  Then of course, the actual visit to Iowa. During our short two-week stay, Greg received outpatient therapy from our old friends and coworkers at St. Luke’s hospital in Cedar Rapids and I was able to pick up hours at the hospital.  We have been back home in Arizona now for a couple of weeks and I think I am running out of excuses not to give an update.

So this is where things stand with Greg; he is eight weeks post-op and doing much better than he ever should be doing (given the surgery he had).  The first couple of days were really scary.  I did not realize how thankful I should have been that he was able to breathe on his own and that swallowing wasn’t more of an issue; but I confess, I was distracted by how rough he looked.  Three days post-op, he made his first attempts to walk; he literally had to be held up just to take a couple of steps.  Now he is walking around, primarily on his own, with the assistance of a cane.  He went from not being able to open his eyes at all to being able to use one eye if the other was covered to now being able to have both eyes open most of the time. He can now eat everything without issue; in the beginning he basically ate baby food.  These are great gains considering where he started; but there is still quite a way to go.

Greg continues to struggle with his balance.  I’ve noticed it becomes more of a problem when he is tired or stressed or if there is a lot of people, noise or movement around. He still needs to use his walker when we go into heavily populated areas and we continue to use his wheel chair for long distances.  His left eye still doesn’t want to cooperate, it is a little delayed when he moves, which makes him dizzy, and it doesn’t want to focus very well.  When his left eye acts up (again normally when he is tired) he has to use glasses that blocks the vision to that eye. He still can’t close that eye which makes it constantly dry and irritated; at night I have to tape it shut so that it isn’t too irritated in the morning.  

He continues to have diminished feeling on the right side of his body.  He has described the sensation as “being asleep” and “being stuck with pins and needles”; but recently it has been getting increasingly more painful.  He is not able to feel hot or cold on that side, instead almost all sensation on that side his body processes as pain.  Simple things like the cool air outside or the air conditioning is painful to him; hot showers or a warm coffee mug does the same thing.  His speech therapist thinks that his hearing might have been affected so we are hoping to get orders from the doctor to get that checked out.  He continues to struggle focusing when there is a lot of noise or motion, he has problems with bright or dim lights, and all of those things affect his balance. 

Headaches still plague him.  Usually it is at the end of a busy day or when there is a lot of stress, or if he is around a lot of stimuli for too long.  He still doesn’t have much endurance, after about 15 minutes on the exercise bike he needs to call it quits.   His memory is getting better, but still needs a bit of work.  Getting good sleep is still difficult.  He has a hard time getting his brain to turn off at night. Lastly he has a constant metallic taste in his mouth which makes food taste bad at times.

He receives Physical and Speech Therapy three times a week; despite our best efforts our health insurance has continued to deny Occupational Therapy.  On his off days we go to our apartment’s gym mostly to work on his endurance.  He is not yet good enough to safely be left alone, but I am hopeful he will be able to soon.  At that point I will be free to get a job.  We see the surgeon on Tuesday so we are hoping for some answers and hopefully a timeline.

 As I alluded to before, we are beyond fortunate that this is all that he is dealing with.   I’m saying that mostly because I need constant reminders of what could have been.  Last Wednesday Greg turned 35; we came very close to that not happening.  Even still I must admit, this stage of the process has been hard for me, I am normally someone who likes to face problems head-on.  When there’s a problem I like to think out all of the possible solutions, I’ll try them out in my head several times and then once I am sure of the solution I start marching.    I’ve tried and tried, but still haven’t found a direction in which to march.  Our situation doesn’t seem to have a solution, at least not one that I can produce and it’s embarrassing.  My independent, I’ll-do-it-myself, comfort zone has been horribly breached.   After weeks of trying to do it myself, the reality of our situation has stayed the same.  Last week we spent 9 hours in line at the social services offices for food stamps.  I don’t even know how to describe that experience.  They finally approved us for December’s benefits, but we will have to wait to find out if we will be approved for anything else. Facing problems head-on is easy for me when I can provide the solution myself; but when the solution is that you have to ask for help, well that is a different story and a hard pill for me to swallow.

 Without the same “peaceful and thankful” tone I left off with, I haven’t known how to update this thing; but I finally decided I’m just going to update it anyway.  I kept hoping that one day I would either wake up with some amazing plan that would fix everything, or that Greg would miraculously be good enough to be left alone with Amara so that I could work.   Well neither has happened.

So these last several weeks have been hard.  I’ve felt overwhelmed again; I’ve been scared, I’ve felt embarrassed, angry and exposed.  I haven’t felt very peaceful, thankful or hopeful; I haven’t felt very blessed, spared, “cared for” or encouraged.  Those are all things that I am positive I am supposed to feel after what we have just recently been brought out of, but I don’t.  I instead feel the exact opposite of all of those.  I feel like a sitting duck; I feel vulnerable and I hate feeling vulnerable.   I’ve felt and have been needy; that’s been the worst of all.  I have had all of these things boiling in me now for weeks and I just feel lost in it.

Usually once I have chosen a path I stick to it come hell or high water.  I take a lot of time deciding which path to take, I choose only after it has been tried and tested multiple times and found to be true.  Before the surgery I had found and tested my path.  The path that I had tested and decided on was a path of peace.  It was a path where I found and knew myself to be cared and provided for; it was a path where I surrendered my controlling grasp of the situation and its outcomes and submitted that God was trustworthy; I found myself and my contingency plans completely inadequate in the world that God created and controlled.  My mind was made up, I was not going to “busy” myself with contingency plans.  I was going to walk side by side with God; I would be content with God’s graces given to me moment by moment.

Well crap, that didn’t work for long! 

My personality type just fought the Zen-ness of peace; it started to feel a little impractical. Peace started to feel ignorant, naive and foolish, all things that my very being shuns and despises.  I hate to look and feel the fool.  I hate being caught unprepared, it feels irresponsible and I hate looking and feeling irresponsible.   After the surgery when the dust began to settle and things started to fall into their new foreign locations I found my family and me to be completely unprepared for everything that had transpired.  Reality came hurling at me, with my normal defense mechanisms down, it took the wind completely out of my sails. 

Since the surgery I have been everything that I hate.  I have been emotional, I’ve had no control, I have been completely vulnerable, and I’ve been needy.  I have no idea day to day what is going to happen let alone a week, month or year from now.  Basically it’s been “Abie hell.”   

Several years ago I was told that the words that would best describe me would also very accurately describe coarse sandpaper.  (No worries it was and is completely true.) In short I am not a tender loving, nurturing or an emotionally available type of person; it’s just not within my nature.  However a curious thing happened to me before and during Greg’s surgery; I was nice.  I was emotionally available; I think I might have even been warm and if not nurturing I was close to it. 

Before the surgery I was amazed at the freedom I felt to be honest and vulnerable, I was able to put my contingency plans aside and enjoy the moments that I had with Greg and the kids.  But something happened after the surgery that took all of that away and made me feel foolish for having allowed myself to put my guard down.   I started to realize what a life changer this was.  Greg was going to have a long recovery and we were just at the beginning of what would be a very long journey.  Before the surgery I had been content taking each day as it came; I was just thankful that it looked like we were going to have a future together. After the surgery I allowed my imagination to run wild with what our future would look like. I panicked and tried to make up for lost time. Right away I dusted off my boots and picked up all of my contingency planning skills.    I started running scenario after scenario through my head determined to find a solution.  It would take months to describe all of the craziness that has transpired since the surgery.  I’ll simply say that it seems that every panicked attempt I have made to add even a little bit of security to our family’s current situation has ended with doors slammed shut.  So I tried out my old adage “if force doesn’t work you’re not using enough.”  Well that just kept making everything worse. 

One would think that with how this whole journey started that I would remember what God taught me in the beginning.  That I would stop myself from running ahead of him in my mind; that I would have learned to stay within the protection of his side.  That getting down on a bended knee would be something that I would easily and naturally be inclined to do.  I must honestly admit that I can’t.  I’ve not really been in a very trusting, lesson learning and growing frame of mind.  I’m more in a resentful, annoyed let’s get this fixed as fast as possible frame of mind.    You see the thing that I have found about God is that he always makes things into a process and a journey.  If you don’t like where you are at, well that’s just too bad because God has a lesson in it for you so you might as well make yourself comfortable.  Well I don’t want to get comfortable here, it’s awful! I don’t want to be left in the desert with the manna.  The very last thing that I want to do is to turn to Him.  If I do that then I will have to play by his rules and submit that He and not I can fix this situation.  I have found that what I thought was a little prideful situation is actually a huge pride problem.  I don’t like others to be part of the problems or the solutions in my life.  I like my privacy; I don’t want to be thought of as lazy, irresponsible or ill prepared.  I absolutely abhor looking needy or seeming desperate.  I don’t like receiving help from others, but what I hate even more is needing help.

The week before Greg was released from the hospital the pastor of our church did a sermon on freedom. He showed a clip from Shawshank Redemption; it is the one where Tim Robbins character climbed out of a drainage pipe and then threw his hands up in the air.  That is a picture of freedom!  After that clip the pastor asked why we, after experiencing such freedom, turn around to reenter that drainage pipe? Why do we crawl back through yards and yards of muck and mire to our prison cell?  I wish I had the answer to that because it is exactly what I did.  That Sunday I allowed myself to hear that message and I sat and cried for a while in my friend Christi’s arms.  Moments later I pulled myself together and resolved to forget the whole thing.  Writing this brought that Sunday to mind; I think I am now in the process of climbing back out, but it seems a little harder this time.

So this is where I am at right now.  I started this blog determined to be open and honest about this process (the good the bad and the ugly), I hadn’t thought that I would be back here again, but the truth is that I am. 

Despite my failed attempts to independently fix our situation we have not been left alone.  There is a part of me that doesn’t want to acknowledge any good that happens unless everything is good.  I wish my pride would have allowed me to acknowledge all that has been done for us weeks ago.  From the beginning we have been surrounded in love, prayer and support.  There has been a food drive that has filled our pantry. We have been given enough meals to fill our fridge and freezer.  Family and new friends here have helped with everything from finances, to watching our kids, to allowing us to be part of their family, to bringing Christmas presents for our kids.  In Iowa my coworkers donated their hours to me so that I could work; people also donated their paid time off to Greg so he was able to receive almost a whole month of pay.  We were given money for our Christmas. We were given money for our bills.  People donated their time to work with Greg. Friends of ours allowed us to use their van while we were in Iowa so we didn’t have to use what was left of our resources to rent one.  Other friends let us use their spare car seats so that I didn’t have to figure out a way to bring ours.  Coworkers bought me lunch while I was at work.  My dad took off work so he could take care of Greg. My mom dropped everything so that she could take care of the kids.  This is only a very, very short list of the ways that we have been provided for.  I heard this song on the radio the other day this is just the first verse. 

Unspoken “Lift my life up”

You brought me this far
So why would I question you now
You have provided
So why would I start to doubt
I've never been stranded, abandoned
Or left here to fight alone

                It has taken me awhile but I have had to concede that all of that has been true in not just this situation but in my life as a whole.  None of it has been worked out in ways that I would have chosen them to be.  I wanted to be sufficient and adequate within myself.  That isn’t going to be my reality.  At the end of this process I hope that I will be able to say that the rest of the song is true of me as well.

Till then,  “When the intervals of darkness come, as come they must- when the sun is hid and the stars withdraw their shining- we repair to the lamps which were kindled by their ray, to guide our steps to the East again, where the dawn is.”

 

 

 

 

Before I give an update on anything I want to say first it has just been physically and emotionally and in all other realms overwhelming to me how many people have made themselves available to us.  There have been people that we have just met who have become amazing supports to us here. There have been people who we haven’t seen or heard from in years that have made themselves available to us.  And also there are people we have known for years, but are now separated from us by miles who have come forward in just amazing ways.  Thank you, you have no idea how much I would like to be able to do something, anything for each of you or even just have the opportunity to look you all in the eye and shake your hand or give you hug.  Alas I can’t, but please hear me when I say thank you, it has meant an enormous amount to me and my family.  My kids have loved getting the mail, packages, crafts and treats.  I know that it has been encouraging for Greg to receive the emails, letters and packages and just recently to be able to talk to a few people on the phone.  We have had meals prepared for us so that I will have several days that I won’t have to give that any thought.  My kids have been on the adventure of their life having my dad to pal around with.  (I don’t know if there is anyone one from his lab that reads this, but thank you for allowing him this time.)  I want to say very much thank you for all that has been done to love and support us; also for this, which I will admit has been very difficult for me to accept.  I don’t know if it should be called independence or pride, but this one has always been a hard pill for me to swallow.  I have always liked and really insisted on only having things that my own hands have either made or provided.  After I had Everett, Greg and I made the decision that he would be the main provider this became a difficult mental and emotional obstacle for me.  I then had to expand a little out of my comfort zone and say only things that either my hands or Greg’s hands have made or provided.   During this time several people have come forward and offered us their financial support.   I don’t really even know what to do or say it has all just been so amazing and crazy and incredibly overwhelming.  This is a hard thing; almost an embarrassing thing for me to even talk about.  But I very much want to say Thank you!  Thank you everyone one for your amazing generosity.   I am finding I don’t yet have the emotional capability or capacity to process all of this, but I feel very cared for.  And I see my family being cared for and it makes me want to cry because I know there has been nothing that we have done to deserve this.

Several people have asked what our current situation is.  I wish I could answer this question.  I am very much a ducks in a row type of person and the unknowns tend to make me a little crazy and slightly irritable.  Right now we are in the midst of a complete unknown.  We had prepared ourselves I believe for Greg not being able to work for six to eight weeks after the surgery.  We were told that some people are cleared for work and driving right away, but most are able to go back to normal about six weeks after surgery.  I said before that I guess Greg and I were a little to optimistic or just plain ignorant to what our whole situation was.  We are learning more and more that Greg really had a very serious situation and that we are incredibly fortunate that he is doing as well as he is.  I will have to admit that both Greg and I understood (at least as much as one can) that there was a chance that he might not make it; or that he might end up on a ventilator or need to be tube fed for a period of time; for whatever reason we had come to grips with all of those.  The in-between things however we had given absolutely no thought to and they took us completely by surprise. We had given no thought to the possibility that Greg would have trouble walking, talking or even opening and closing his eyes.  That he would need help bathing, using the bathroom, brushing his teeth, eating, standing, getting dressed or even rolling over in bed.  Some of these things are getting better now, but again they never crossed our minds.  I don’t want to imply that I mind doing these things for him; in fact I have in no way minded being able to help in all of these areas.  My ability to physically help so that he doesn’t have to have some stranger take care of him has been the one thing that I have been able to offer Greg during this time.  I wish desperately I could have done more.  He was in so much pain and discomfort it was and still is my pleasure to assist in anything that I could, can or will have to in the future. 

Looking to the future is a little uncertain right now.  I have been assured that these things will get better in time.  I just have no idea how much time nor does anyone else.  If we are within several weeks of our initial estimate we will be ok after that I don’t really know.  The first step is getting him to a rehab unit.  The one here just happens to be the best.  We have the green light from everyone on this side, but we are now experiencing a little difficulty with our insurance company.  We will definitely get up there, but when is the big question.  I thought that we would have been up there last night and now I don’t even know if it will be tomorrow.  In the mean time we will continue to get therapy on the Neuro floor just not as much as I would like. 

Right now Greg is doing a little better every day.  I would say that his symptoms are all pretty much the same, but every day he is dealing with them better and better.  He still needs my help with all most everything, but he needs less and less of it every time.  I continue to stay with him.  I will admit now that the sleepless nights are starting to add up.  They have a love seat that I curl up on at night.  I started going down to the cafeteria two days ago in the morning after I get Greg’s breakfast going.  I had opportunities for food before then I just think that my nerves where so crazy I just had no appetite.  Other than that I am with Greg all day.  We have only needed the staff here for his medication I have otherwise been doing all of his cares.  I am thankful that I have the knowhow to do it.  Otherwise I fear I would go completely crazy feeling completely worthless.  Greg is more aware of his surrounding and what is going on I know he physically could handle me leaving, he would probably have to wait longer for help then he would want to, but I think he could physically do it. Emotionally I think it would be too much.  He saw his face in the mirror for the first time the other day and I think it scared him.  Again neither of us had expected this. 

So to not answer the question of “what exactly our current situation is.”  I just don’t know.  I don’t know when he will be able to get out of the hospital.  I don’t know when he will be able to drive or go back to work.  I don’t know how much physical assistance he will need when he comes home.  So I don’t know what to do about finding a job.  All I can do right now is ask for prayer, because I am just as much in the dark as everyone else.  I hope none of that sound to dramatic.  I understand that things will get better, I just don’t know when.   I am perfectly fine working; in fact I would probably mentally do much better being able to be productive and useful.   I just don’t want to jump into that and then realize in a week that I either won’t be able to leave Greg at home alone or that I won’t be able to leave Greg alone with the kids. 

So for right now just pray for some answers or guidance for me as I navigate through all of this.  I in no way want people to come away from this feeling like things are desperate.  I know that things will work out.  Like I said I just get a little cranky when I can’t see what’s around the corner.  These are things that I struggle with in my mind.  Wanting to know or to control or see the future.  God was showing me all of this at the beginning of this journey and at some point I lost focus of what he had shown me and I became distracted once again with all of the what ifs.  God has shown himself to be trust worthy; he has shown himself to be present, active, invested and concerned.  I don’t know why that concept is so hard for me to hold on to. 

I haven't had much time the last couple of days to update this.  I was able to send out mass texts to friends and family so I will make those updates available here to.


10/11/2013 7:26am
         "This is the type of surgery that Greg is having.  It is called a .. suboccipital telovelar approach craniotomy for cavernous malformation with wand guidance." 


10/11/2013 2:10pm
        "Greg's surgery is running a little late.  I am hoping he will be done around 6 our time, 8 Iowa time. They won't give me any updates until it is over."


10/11/2013 5:33pm
       "Still no news please pray."


10/11/2013 6:00pm
       "Just got news he is done, but I can't see him yet. They said that he is breathing on his own, but now has left side facial droop and is significantly weaker on the right side.  They don't know yet if they got it all.  They don't know if he will be able to swallow.  He is a bit combative and they are going to have to restrain him for the time being."


10/11/2013 7:33pm
        "He made it to the ICU.  I am with him now.  He has weakness and almost no sensation on the right side.  He has left side facial droop and is now having increased weakness on the left side.  He spoke a little and is oriented to self and place.  He is painful and very nauseated.  He has vomited now multiple times.  He is seeing everything sideways.  I just got him situated in bed and they gave him something for pain I am hoping he will sleep now and that these symptoms will be much improved tomorrow.  I am told that they should be.  I will be staying with him until he leaves the hospital."


10/12/2013 8:50am
        "It was a pretty terrible night.  Greg was throwing up about every 15-30 minutes.  He is in a lot of pain.  Still no feeling on his right side.  His left arm is drifting a bit.  Still has left side facial droop.  He has been able to chew and swallow ice cubes.  His eyes are jumping and spinning all over the place, every time he opens them he gets so dizzy he throws up.  It was just a miserable night for him.  He has an MRI today we are hoping that gives us some answers.  He knows what is going on and is talking when he feels well enough to.  They still think that most of the problems are from swelling so we hope that this looks completely different in the near future."


10/12/2013 5:33pm
        "Quick update for everyone.  Today has been spent mostly trying to get control of the pain, dizziness and nausea.  They have just added 3 more meds to hopefully help with the dizziness, of course the real relief won't come until the swelling goes down.  Everything else as far as the numbness on the right and the weakness on the left is the same.  He just had a swallowing test that he did pass.  He will be put on a soft diet with thin liquids and no straw.  I believe they will try that tomorrow.  He had an MRI at 10 this morning and I am still waiting on the results from that.  Greg knows who he is, where he is at and what has happened.  Other then answering those kinds of questions he hasn't talked very much today.  I am hoping more of his personality comes out tomorrow.  He has just been keeping his eyes closed and that seems to help with the dizziness.  He was able to take a 3 hour nap finally this afternoon.  The swallowing test made him sick again so we are trying to get a head of that and then hopefully he will fall asleep again.  I am hoping to talk to his surgeon at some point because I never did get any report on how exactly the surgery went.  That is all for now."



10/13/2013 8:01am
          "Just a quick update.  Last night went much better, he has not vomited since yesterday afternoon.  He slept on and off in about 2 hour intervals.  The nausea isn't gone, but is much better.  He is still very painful and dizzy.  Last night I got him to take about 6  bites of applesauce and just a couple of sips of juice.  Those are the first things he has had to eat.  He said that he would try breakfast this morning.  Although the symptoms except for the nausea are the same he is moving around in the bed better and talking a little bit more.  Today is going to be a busy they are going to get all of the therapist in and I believe there is going to be some more tests.  Since it is Sunday none of those are scheduled it is just first come first serve. I will not be leaving him at all today.


10/13/2013 3:45
           "Greg is doing a little better - basically the same report as this morning. I got him to eat just a few bites of eggs this morning and then I was able to talk him into getting up to a chair.  I was able to change his bed give him a bit of a bath and a clean gown.  He seemed a little more alert after the bath and asked to talk to his sister Hillary.  He stayed up for 3 hours which was longer then he probably should have.  He had about a dozen bites of lunch.  I was able to lift him back to bed myself.  He then had to be immediately meded because of the pain and dizziness.  He has been sleeping since then and is now running a bit of a temp.  We are continuing to keep things low key.  No TV, no music and very little motion in the room.  His talk to Hillary is the most he has talked at one time.  He wanted to check on the baby.  So far that is it I am waiting to see if he can get up again later tonight.

10/13/2013 9:53pm
          "Doing a little better today.  I was able to get him up to a chair and got him cleaned up.  He ate a little bit of both breakfast and lunch.  I put him back to bed after he had been up for 3 hours.  He took a little nap and then they woke him up so that he could transfer out of the ICU and on to the neuro floor.  He sat up for 2 hours and had a little bit of dinner.  Pain and dizziness are still the same also the numbness on the right side, facial droop on the left side and now some numbness and tingling on the left foot.  We still have not talked to the surgeon we hope that will happen tomorrow.  Greg was able to talk to our Dr. friend in Iowa she was happy to hear from him and she was able to get him to talk for a bit.  After he hung up the nurse gave him a dose of valium. Normally this knocks him out right away but this time he started laughing. He told me what the Dr. said about his nose.  Apparently she made fun of his "big ugly nose" like she always does. After that he started cracking jokes left and right, he even tried to grab my butt. Slowly Greg is coming back!"


10/14/2013 1:12pm
           "Greg was able to work with PT and OT today. PT was able to get him to walk about 30 feet with a walker and assistance of 2.  It wasn't very pretty, but Greg was a trooper and continued to push through. OT mainly worked with his eyes to see if they could help with the nystagmus.  They are going to try to get some vestibular people in tomorrow so we will see if that will help.  Right now Greg's biggest complaint is the dizziness.  He feels like he could deal with the pain and is willing to work hard with the therapist, but he is just not handling the dizziness well.  He ate about half of his breakfast today which is the most he has eaten.  His sweet tooth was not affected at all he wants chocolate everything.  He is struggling a little with keeping his oxygen saturation up.  He is really wiped out, but has been willing to try everything that everyone has asked of him.  Still numb on right
a little weak on the left.  Left side facial droop and now a little numbness and tingling on his left hand and foot. He continues to not be able to close his left eye and it is now  beginning to get quite dry and irritated.  We were able to meet with Dr. Spetzlers PA today she was able to give us a little more information she said that his tumor had grown quite a bit she called it "enormous."  Which made Greg's surgery a bit more challenging.  We were told to expect a 4 to 6 hour surgery more on the six hour side. It ended up being a little over 9 hours. Right now everyone is recommending rehab they are estimating a 10 day stay.  Dr. Spetzler just came in and told us that his follow up MRI looked "spectacular." Greg and I are coming to discover more and more how lucky we were to be here.  What Greg has would probably have been inoperable anywhere else and then who knows what would have happened. We had I guess unrealistic expectations for what life after the surgery would look like, but the more that we are discovering about what Greg's condition was we are seeing how fortunate we are that he is doing as well as he is.


10/15/2013 10:01am
          "Greg just walked 168ft with me and the walker. WAY better then yesterday! And his left eye is able to close a little bit more today.  I guess that is pretty amazing none of the staff thought that it would improve this fast.  We are waiting for our insurance to ok rehab.  The rehab unit has a bed available today.  I am told this is the best neuro rehab unit in the country.  We are at St. Joseph's hospital in Phoenix Arizona we are in the barrow neurological institute. If anyone wants to look it up." 

It is about 3am phoenix time on October 12th.  Greg is resting quietly for now and I have found sleeping impossible for myself so I thought I could write a really quick update since I will be mostly unavailable for the rest of today.

Greg had his surgery yesterday morning.  We had an early start getting up at 4am so that we could make it to the hospital around five to start all of his pre-op stuff.  Greg was doing his usual crack a joke routine, but he was getting scared and hadn’t slept the night before.  I will admit to having the “jitters” myself and I was very relieved to see that we had beat the morning  traffic and were able to get to the hospital with no problems.

Greg and I had from 5:30 to just before 9 to talk which was nice.  It was good to be able to sit next to him and at least try to calm his nerves.  The kids had recorded a couple messages that we got to watch on my phone then Greg sent a couple of knock knock jokes back to them.  Everyone in pre-op had a good laugh at Greg’s recent hair cut disaster.  He had gone to Great Clips last week to get his last hair cut before the surgery and to be funny he asked the hair stylist to make a bullseye on the back of his head.   I guess the hair stylist didn’t understand fully and although Greg had a feeling it wasn’t quite right he didn’t know until he got home and I showed him the results.  The lady decided to shave Greg’s hair 3” past where his hair line should be and then she shaved two small dots out one on top of the other on the left side of his head.  Since he was pretty numb on the right side he had no idea how bad it really was.  

Dr. Cronk, (Dr. Spetzler’s resident) came into our pre-op room and answered a few last questions.  She told us to expect about a six hour surgery and then told us that they were going to tape Greg’s because they don’t do many surgeries on this particular part of the brain stem.  She told us she would make a copy of the tape if we wanted.  I have mostly a voided watching any of the youtube videos that Greg has brought up, but I thought watching his after everything was done would be interesting.

The anesthesiologist came and got Greg at 9 and I was shipped off to the waiting room.  The next several hours were terrible.  They didn’t give me any updates other than a little pager that is preprogramed to say surgery in progress every couple of hours except for once about four hours in when it asked me to quickly go to the front desk to talk to the volunteer. I about threw up that time thinking of course something must have gone wrong.  However nothing had happened, the volunteer just wanted to know what I looked like.  I wish they would have started that page off with “ don’t worry everything is fine I just have a really stupid question!”  A little after 4 a secretary called and said that she thought that they were finishing up.  She however didn’t know anything about Greg or the surgery, at the end of that conversation I wasn’t even sure she was talking about Greg. 

Finally when I couldn’t take it one minute more Dr. Cronk came to the waiting room and said that Greg had just made it to recovery it was about 6pm.  She said that Greg did just fine and that she thought that they had gotten the whole mass out, but they would have to confirm that with an MRI.  She said that he couldn’t have made it any more difficult though.  She gave me great news that he was able to get extubated and that he was now breathing on his own.   She said that he was now much weaker on the right side then he had been and that he also now had a facial droop on the left side.  I think from just the sheer buildup of stress, anxiety and nerves I let a hand full of tears come out.  They were the first ones I had allowed since we had gotten Greg’s diagnosis.  Just then I got a phone call from the Iowa Dr. that had been helping, advising and encouraging Greg.  I hope that it now ok to call her a friend because I know that is how both Greg and I view her.  This Friend was responding to a text I had sent right before Dr. Conk had come in.  I was able to tell our friend the update even thought I was still a little tearful.  She was great and reminded me of things that I knew and educated me on several things that I didn’t.  Basically she told me that it was great news that Greg was breathing on his own and that all of these symptoms were to be expected and that they were nothing to worry about.  They would either resolve shortly or would be able to be worked on in time.  She reminded me that this wasn’t the time to be tearful and that I needed to be there for Greg.  Thank you, I know that you told me to stop saying that, but even friends need to tell each other how much they are appreciated.  I Very, Very much appreciate everything that you have done. 

I was left to wait in the waiting room for at least another half hour.  Although encouraged by the information from our friend my nerves were getting the best of me.  I hadn’t slept the last couple of nights before nor had I eaten anything that day and I think everything was catching up with me so I finally practically demanded to go to recovery to see Greg.  Luckily Dr. Conk saw me and said that she would take me, she told me that he had actually been asking for me.  I was relieved to see Greg and at the same time a little shocked to see the condition he was in.  I think I had prepared myself for a worse situation having seen patients in pretty bad situations before when I worked at the hospital in Iowa.  What I hadn’t really prepared for I guess is what my response would be to having the patient be my husband.  No I didn’t cry but I did immediately want to be able to comfort him.  He was in a lot of pain and couldn’t stop vomiting.  He was scared because he could now no longer feel his right side, he knew he was talking funny and he said that every time he opened his eyes everything appeared sideways or upside down and it made the nausea even worse. 

Greg is normally the clingier one of the two of us.  When I am sick or stressed out I just want space.  I handle things much better on my own.  Greg however normally needs some physical contact; he needs a hug or a hand to hold.  He wants to talk; he needs to hear the facts and he needs to hear that everything is ok.  He normally wants to joke or make some smart comment.  I started to gently do this and then saw the recovery nurse become upset.  She rightly did so.  You see Greg being a neuro -patient he needed to have very little stimuli at this time.  Little noise, little touch, little everything.  The nurse was scared I would become upset and ushered me out.  I became very upset with myself that I hadn’t remembered that Greg would need to recover differently this time.  We had talked about it quite a bit in the time leading up to the surgery and had agreed that until he was doing much better to keep everyone, but me out.  I had remembered that part, but I had let the why slip my mind. 

It was over a Half hour before I was able to join him again now in the ICU.  The nurses were doing their assessment on him.  I was encouraged that he answered all of the questions appropriately without needing anyone to lead or guide him to the right answer.  I was discouraged though that none of his personality was showing through at all.  I know that I shouldn’t have expected it, but for some reason I did expect that he would try to slip out a smart joke or say something a little off to get a laugh.  They tested Greg’s strength and although now weak on both sides he was at least able to move everything.  He continued to have very little to no sensation on his right side.  His facial droop was pretty significant made only worse by all of the swelling in his head and face.  He continued to be very painful and nauseated and became quite restless with everything.  I felt worthless I didn’t have anything that I could do to comfort him. 

Finally the nurses completed their assessment and began to get a clean gown on him and then prepared his pain and anti-nausea meds.  I sat in the corner and shot out a quick text update to our friends.  Knowing that I wouldn’t be allowed to keep my cell phone on I put my sister in charge of calling our families.  Again our Doctor friend called.  She had received the update and must have sensed that I was feeling overwhelmed and ill equipped for all of this.  She again reinforced that so far we had great news.  That everything he was exhibiting was to be expected and then proceeded to give me very helpful advice and encouragement.  She was the only person other than my dad that I talked to last night.  Honestly she is the only one that I would have wanted to hear from.  Without mincing words she told me the truth and gave me my marching orders which were exactly what I needed.

I spent the rest of the night repositioning Greg and holding his bucket.  Finally around 2 they were able to find a combination of drugs that gave him a little relief.  He now is sleeping on and off.  About every forty-five minutes he wakes up in pain and is nauseated so I get up and hold his bucket and change his bedding.  He has allowed me to swab out his mouth a bit and he feels like that helps a little.  I have been encouraged throughout the night that Greg’s voice seems a little stronger and that he is moving in bed a little better.  The nurse wants to see if she and I chair can get him up to the chair in a little bit so I will end this soon.  Greg is sleeping now so we are just waiting for him to stir again.  We told him our plan last time he was up and he was a little hesitant because of how dizzy and sick he gets every time he opens his eyes.  Unfortunately I think this is the only way to start making it better.  Things feel a little scary right now with his side effects, but I have come to understand it is because of all of the swelling on the brain.  We were told it could be initially much worse and that he should return to normal in time.

I am doing well, although I still haven’t slept or ate, I feel just fine.  I require almost no sleep under normal situations and under situations like this apparently I need none.  And after helping Greg with his bucket all night I have absolutely no appetite.

Greg will have speech therapy, occupational therapy and physical therapy at some point today as well as an MRI.  I know that Greg had wanted to work and work hard I hope that he will be able to push through and participate in everything.  I plan on making him anyways.  Please continue to pray.  My hope is that we can still stay with our original discharge plan which was to go home in three to four days.

The Long Road

 

                So I will use the very clichéd phrase to start this entry. Every journey begins with the first step.  I had always thought and had presumed that others started theirs with green pastures and rose petals.  I felt like my first step was on rocks covered in nails.  I know it was needed though.  I struggle with seeing that everyone comes with sin and that mine is not any worse than anyone else’s.  I had to open the sutures and dig deep to see my issues that I had never wanted to see the light of day.  My hurts are still present, but God is giving me the ability to look at my past issues; to see what the real problem is and how to deal with them.  (I am sorry my thought process is a little scattered, remember I have a brain tumor.)  A sermon was brought to my attention from one of my wonderful sister-in-laws, this sermon best describes how I feel.  It’s called “TRUEFACED,” It talked about how you come to a fork in the road spiritually where you can go down one path which is called “Pleasing God” or the other one that is called “Trusting God.”  I am sitting at the fork now.  I have been down the “Pleasing God” path and came to the room where everyone there said, “I’m fine” there wasn’t any real deep thought or reflections that happened there.  Everyone there was “just fine.”  I was content there, but I wasn’t growing although I didn’t know it at the time.  I felt that I fit in there; it was much easier being “fixed” with other “fixed people.”  I have seen the trusting God room where everyone says “I am sinful and horrible” but God blesses them with grace and says that He wants them anyway.  I feel I am not ready for that room yet.  I think my sins are like a canyon keeping me from God.  I am slowly looking at those sins and giving them over to God.  It is a struggle everyday but I am becoming more open with Abigail and others and being honest with myself.  It’s not always easy but I know that the end goal is worth it.

                God is showing me new things every day, but my heart is still trying to hold back.  He gives me new situations that brings me out of my comfort zone and makes me hold onto Him.  I am appreciative but also scared of it; I am still waiting for the moment when I will let people down and then put my mask on again.  Recently, our car was having issues and I took it to the shop and found out it needed two expensive parts to fix the problem.  I actually found out the news about my abnormal spine MRI while I was at the auto shop.  So it was a double shot of bad news.  I was ill-equipped to deal with either of them.  Well, we have made it through the “braincloud” so far and God provided for us with the car now.  I took it to the shop today because I had the strong desire to make sure my family was safe and that the car would be reliable especially because I most likely wouldn’t be.  Instead of a $1000 repair, they fixed a single pipe for significantly less and guaranteed that upcoming repairs for the same problem would be free.  It was wonderful to see that God could give me the chance to step up and be the man for once and then also allow me to experience a success. I will admit that I was anxious the entire time and was afraid I would fail.  Satan was there at the same time that God was.  Satan was using his old tricks to discourage me; making me feel ashamed and unsure of myself.  I responded differently to this event though.  In the past, I would always look to others to verify my choice or worse, let them choose for me.  I almost called Abigail to ask if it was okay to get the car fixed.  I know it sounds silly, but I am always scared that I will fail or be found out to be a fraud.  I struggle with this every day and hope I can eventually see God’s plan to repair me because I continue to beat myself up over this stuff.  I am just holding on to God for dear life; I know that things will get much worse if I go back and revert to my old ways.  I was in one of those self-doubt and plain overwhelmed moods one morning while sitting in the parking lot.  I was trying to get the strength to get out and face the rest of the day.  A song played that spoke to me.  This song put words to the things that were on my heart; things that I wanted to say to God but didn’t know how to.  Sidewalk Prophets Song, “Help Me Find It”, was what I needed to calm me down and put words to what my heart felt.  Here are the lyrics.

 

 

I don’t know where to go from here

It all used to seem so clear

I’m finding I can’t do this on my own

 

I don’t know where to go from here

As long as I know that You are near

I’m done fighting

I’m finally letting go

 

I will trust in You

You’ve never failed before

I will trust in You

 

If there’s a road I should walk

Help me find it

If I need to be still

Give me peace for the moment

Whatever Your will

Whatever Your will

Can You help me find it

Can You help me find it

 

I’m giving You fear and You give faith

I’m giving You doubt

You gave me grace

For every step I’ve never been alone

 

Even when it hurts, You’ll have Your way

Even in the valley I will say

With every breath

You’ve never let me go

 

I will wait for You

You’ve never failed before

I will wait for You

 

If there’s a road I should walk

Help me find it

If I need to be still

Give me peace for the moment

Whatever Your will

Whatever Your will

Can You help me find it

Can You help me find it

 

I lift my empty hands (come fill me up again)

Have Your Way my King (I give my all to You)

I lift my eyes again (was blind but now I see)

‘Cause You are all I need

 

If there’s a road I should walk

Help me find it

If I need to be still

Give me peace for the moment

Whatever Your will

Whatever Your will

Can You help me find it

Can You help me find it

 

                I know that I am not all the way there; just “holding onto God,” but I believe I was put on this journey now so that I would finally stop and listen to God.   This song states what I am going through.  The things that have given me the false sense of comfort and security in the past are not working anymore.  I am trying to figure out where God wants me and I am struggling to just wait and listen.  I want to hear him when He tells me to be still.  Like the song, I want to be still when He wants me to be still and I want to walk when God tells me to walk.  That first step was a killer, but I feel it was what He wanted. Being honest about my position in life and then trusting that His grace will wash all of that away.  I am not completely giving in to that yet, but I desire so much that God holds onto me and pushes me further on this journey.   I want to be in the room of trusting God where I can be honest about my sins and that God will draw me closer to him and heal me.

                This week has been hard.  My symptoms are getting worse.  My dizziness gives me problems throughout the day and I have to use all my concentration to slow down and move slowly so I don’t increase the dizziness.  My right side feels so heavy in the morning and I have to sit in the shower longer and longer to attempt to loosen things up.  I had to stop working last Wednesday because I did not want to harm my patients; I am trying to know my limits.  Abigail has had to drive us around.  I get too dizzy to drive around town anymore.  I pray that the surgery will fix these issues and that I can resume my daily activities without any hindrances.  I am having trouble every day trusting that God will provide for us, I keep reading that these symptoms could persist for a year.  This worries me greatly, but I know God has gotten me this far and only He knows how I will get past this next step.  We had our pre-op visit this Wednesday and it was tedious and a little scary being this close to the surgery date; there were a lot of drawing labs and then getting the MRI to see how the surgeon will access my brain.  I did not get a lot of answers yesterday except that the hospital-stay was approved from my insurance; even though it is still pretty expensive.  I joke and say it will be an expensive haircut; I want to ask my world renowned surgeon to sign my skull so it will be worth some money.  I went home that night and googled the surgery.  There was actual a Youtube video of the surgery I will be having with my surgeon and it was somewhat scary but I know that I cannot worry about it and know that I am in good hands.

                I want to thank everyone for the cards, emails, and gift packages.  They have been a great comfort and blessing to my family.  It keeps my mind off the “what-ifs” and it makes me remember that I am surrounded by people who truly care about me.  This has been tough on my family yet these packages and letters have kept us upbeat and focusing on the positive things in this life and thankful for the people that God has placed around us.  I was so surprised when my new co-workers rallied together and gave my family a wonderful gift basket full of things to provide support and comfort during this stressful time.  It is amazing to see how God provides for us when we least expect it.  People may see these things as little, but they have made such an impact on me.  We could never have planned for an outcome as well as what God has done for us.  So many friends and family members from Iowa have sent us amazing letters and packages.  Abigail and my old co-workers from Iowa even sent us some knock-knock jokes to entertain Everett who is in love with these jokes.  All of this has served as a reminder to me of how loved we are.  I want to say how much we love and appreciate all of you. 

Thank you from my whole family.